AndJesus, does that mean his first name isMichelangelo?
I launch myself at the top box in the stack. It’s a legit felony to open mail addressed to someone else.
“Unless it’s an accident,” I say in my most innocent voice. It sounds like an anime character,God help me,I’m stoned. I rip open the box, utteringoops!in case I’m being filmed, which I’m not.
A letter sits on top.
Dear Mr. DiFiore,
Welcome to the Jersey Mike’s family! Enclosed you’ll find our franchisee welcome package…
A Jersey Mike’s? A chain cheesesteak shopdirectlyacross from Sammy’s with the nameMIKEin the title? I laugh incredulously.
“Ho-lee shit. HolySHIT!” The impact of this finding hits me like an avalanche.
I take a picture of the Certificate of Formation on my phone and run, clutching the letter, out the front door where I collide with Eve to the sound of wild, manic honking.
“I was coming to get you.” Eve catches me before I fall to the pavement. “You okay?”
“I’ve got it, Eve! I’ve got the proof!” I wave the letter in the air.
“Proof? Of what?”
“Proof tying TonutoandJackie Lombardi to the dispensary’s sabotage!” I shake the letter again. “I… Ithink.” The Unicorn Piss is making it hard to process the difference between colors, let alone government corruption. “I need to talk to Sammy DiFioreright now.” I start to cut across the street, but Graham grabs my arm before I walk into oncoming float traffic.
“Sammy’s not at the shop—his food truck’s at the parade’s end at the big picnic area.”
“At the bandstand?”
“Yeah, I saw him setting up earlier.”
I launch up the sidewalk, but there’s no getting through this maze of chairs and tents and blue-mouthed children high on water ice. I moan at the sky and turn back to Eve and Graham, helpless. “What am I supposed to do?!”
Beep-beepity-beep-beeeeeep!
In a sea of big men in tiny cars, Julian appears in a little red convertible, the hottest one of all. On the car’s hood is a picture of Edna laughing, her face lifted to the sky in a joy you can feel, an expression perfectly reflected on Julian now as he zips his beloved aunt’s glorified Power Wheels down Main Street. Coupled with the maroon fez perched jauntily on his head, Julian looks completely unhinged.
Good.Because that’s exactly the energy this plan’s gonna require.
I race out in front of his car, and he slams on the brakes.
“What’re you doing?!” His head whips around as I hoist myself onto the back of the tiny car.
“Get me to the bandstand right now!” I wrap my legs around a squirming, outraged Julian like a lap belt from behind. “It’s a matter of grave importance!”
“What?! I don’t—” Julian struggles helplessly between my thighs, a hot, pink flush rising high on his cheekbones.
Poor thing, he’sdefinitelygetting a boner.
“Listen to me, Julian.” I take him by the cheeks. “I have proof tying TonutoandLombardi to sabotaging the dispensary!”
“You do?!” He squints. “Wait. Are you stoned?”
“Yes. Extremely. But I’m sure of this. Do you trust me?”
“More than anything.” He smiles at me so tenderly that I give him a passionate kiss before pulling away and thumping his fez.
“Okay. I need to get to the front of this paradenow.Will you drive me?”
