“My guest room was already clean and has a nice big window if he wants to watch the birds, and a bed if he wants to hide under that. I have some food and water set up. I went to the pet store today and picked up some things just to tide him over, but you guys can tell me if he likes anything specifically.”
I lead them down the hall to the guest room, where Winnie perches on the bed. Hazel and I take to the floor, and she unzips the carrier, letting Captain decide if he wants to come out yet or not.
He creeps one paw out and then the other, each movement calculated and cautious, all the while sniffing like a bunny looking for a meal.
“I’m so glad you’re taking him,” Hazel says. “He’s going to be so good for you. And you’re going to be so good for him.”
“What changed your mind?” Winnie asks.
“I don’t know, I was just missing him a lot while I was there. Got to thinking how nice it might be to come home to a furry friend. And I finally feel like I have my life together since Todd. Mostly.”
Captain makes his way over and flops in front of me, showing me his belly. I don’t take the bait, but run a finger over his soft head while he purrs.
“Well, we’ll make sure you have everything you need,” Winnie promises.
“Are you hungry now or do you wanna chat for a bit and wait to eat?” Hazel asks, wiggling her fingers on the ground to tempt Captain close, but he ignores her, sniffing around the space.
“Let’s make sure Captain is okay and then we’ll go eat,” I say.
“And we can talk about Miles while we wait?” Hazel asks.
I wince even though I knew it was coming. I want to talk about it, but it still stings to think about.
I barely slept after my last conversation with him. I tossed and turned. I almost called him to come over and hold me just so I could sleep. I almost took it all back about a hundred times, but I held onto my conviction that I was doing what was right for me and that it mattered. I had to tell myself that Miles reacted out of fear and not out of a place of being right. Part of me is honored that he so selfishly fought for me to be his girlfriend, but he did it because he was scared to lose me, and is being scared to lose someone really the same thing as wanting them?
I didn’t see him on my last day, even though I looked for him every time I left my room. I’d hoped he would come by and tell me he changed his mind and he would be willing to just date while we get to know each other better.
But no such thing happened.
I flew home, came back to an empty apartment, and cried myself to sleep, because the only thing worse than coming home from your honeymoon alone is having just spent your honeymoon with your ex-boyfriend and coming home knowing he doesn’t want you either.
“Yeah, we can talk about Miles,” I say, and tell them everything.
I tell them about the lighthouse, the dinner with his brother, and the sunset sail. I recount our conversation, the way it felt like he couldn’t hear me, the way he was so fixated on certain things I said. I defend him because I know Hazel will think the worst of him and offer some choice words about what she thinks of him.
“And now? Where are you at now?” Winnie asks.
“I won’t lie, I miss him,” I said.
“Do you feel any differently than you did in Cabo? About wanting to be his girlfriend?” Winnie asks.
“No. I—I want to get to know him. I think there is a part of me that wants to rush into a relationship with him, but I want more time with him first. I still feel strongly about that.”
“Good,” Winnie says.
“I’m really proud of you, Abs,” Hazel says. She reaches out to squeeze my hand. “I’ve known you for a billion years, and I have been begging you to speak up and say what you want and what matters to you and I am so proud that you did it. It must have been really hard.”
Winnie reaches out as well, clasping a hand on my shoulder. “I’m really proud of you, too, Abby.”
My chin wobbles, and I try to blink back tears, but I’m unsuccessful. They cascade down my cheeks as my two closest friends in the world hold onto me.
“I feel so silly. I thought he would hear me. He was so insistent that I use my voice every other time we were together and I thought he would see me.”
“His inability to hear you in that moment has nothing to do with you, Abs. That is ahimproblem,” Hazel says. “You did the right thing for you and that’s all you can do. The way other people respond is out of your hands.”
I nod. I know she’s right. I felt it in my bones that his response had nothing to do with me.
“I’m not used to speaking up, so it was difficult to be met like that.”
