His eyes slide up to mine, but he’s practically staring through me. I think he’s in shock. I reach up and cup his cheek, trying to ground him.
“You have two beautiful babies that need you.”
He doesn’t answer, still lost in thought.
The nurse strolls in at that moment.
“I’m here to get Dad to start some skin-to-skin time with his littles.” Her smile falls as she reads the room, likely not used to dealing with the sad side of these types of deliveries. She looks fresh out of school too. “Umm, should I come back?”
I clear my throat and glance at Colin. Nothing.Shit.
“Colin is still waiting to hear about Sydney. Will aunts work?” I say, making the split-second decision as I look around at my girls. Everyone nods in agreement. We’d gladly step up and do this for Sydney. If things don’t go well, we’ll be needed more than ever.
“Um, well, if Dad agrees to this, then I guess so. I’ll take one of you back.”
Colin looks away in that moment, and all I see is him shutting down.No, no, no.I look at Jane and Garrett, then Trystan, silently conveying that I need them to get through to him before I squeeze Brynleigh’s outstretched hand and tell her that they’re all tapping in.
“I’m coming. Take me to them.”
???
My heart is in my throat as I swap my shirt for a gown that opens in the front. I walk back out into the nursery area where they have rocking chairs set up for the tiniest patients, whose family members come in to feed them when they can’t leave. A nurse points me to a specific chair in the corner and hands me warm blankets to lay across my lap and keep me decent.
“I’m putting this bracelet on you to claim you as the designated family member helping out. What you’re doing is really special. Lyddie said Dad looked really out of it and wasn’t up for this yet. That happens a lot in cases like this. I really hope their momma pulls through.”
“Thank you,” I choke out, unable to think of that even being a possibility. “I’m ready for them.”
“Okay, I’ll cover you with the warm blanket, but go ahead and pull your arms out so that a larger expanse of skin is available. You have two of them. They’re pretty stinking cute.”
I nod, nervous and excited to hold two of the most precious little people in my life. It hits me then. The overwhelming idea that I’m going to have one of my own in less than a year ratchets up my nerves tenfold as I watch the nurse roll over two bassinets. She lifts the little pink bundle, unswaddling her before splaying the little squish across the top of the left side of my chest. Joyous tears streak down my cheeks as little eyes squint, then smooth, as she settles against my skin and hears my heart.
“Perfect. Look how peaceful she just got. I love seeing this. She needed it. Now for her brother. They’ll want to be skin to skin too since they’ve never really been apart.”
Colin and Sydney’s little boy cries from the bassinet as if he needs something.Sydney should be here.The nurse brings him over, cooing soothing sounds to him to try and help him calm, but he’s not having it. She lays him on the right side of my chest and rests his hand on top of his sister’s before covering us all up lightly. His little cries tug at my heart, but he’s still the cutest little button-nose thing I’ve seen. His full head of hair reminds me of my best friend. I make some shushing noises and concentrate on deep breathing, so they can feel my calm. Little man takes a minute or so, but he wriggles closer to sis and settles. It’s an amazing experience to witness.
“There we go. That’s what they needed. I’ll check back in with you in a few minutes. Are you okay?”
“Overwhelmed, but yes.”
The older nurse smiles softly and pats my arm before retreating, as I bend to press a little kiss to each of their heads.
“Aunt Holly’s here. It’s all going to be okay. Daddy will come soon. You are both so, so loved.” I crash, tears of gratitude and fear streaking down my skin as I stare in wonder at these two beautiful little people while praying for my best friend to pull through. This can’t be the way she goes. These two are all she has ever wanted in life. The four of them–her own perfect little universe. I take a stuttered breath, trying to re-center so these two feel no more stress.
I don’t know how long I rock there, marveling at their tiny faces, when I hear a choked-up sound. I look up to see Jaxon, with his arm around Colin’s shoulder. Jaxon’s eyes are soft and misty as he takes the three of us in, but it’s Colin’s tear-stained cheeks that have me crying again.
“Sydney?” I choke out, my heart in my throat.
Colin’s eyes bounce back and forth between his two little bundles like he doesn’t know who to see first.
“She’s okay,” he stutters out, taking a few harsh breaths like he’s fighting the urge to completely lose it again. It’s all just so much for him right now. He then drops to his knees by my left shoulder and looks at his baby girl for the first time. His fingers trace a dark tendril that matches his own.
“Jax, he needs to hold her. Help him out.”
Bridget, the nurse who has been helping me, is already on it, scooting up another rocker next to mine. She gets him sat down and covered with a warm blanket as Jax leans in and presses a kiss to my forehead while scooping up their daughter. Colin’s eyes widen at the rush of emotions, and damn, that man has a fuckload of tears, because he starts crying again, signaling with his hand that he wants little man, too.
“I’m so sorry that I took so long to get up here to hold you. Daddy’s here now. I love you both so much.”
I don’t think there’s a dry eye in this nursery. There’s just something so powerful about moments like this. Everyone feels it, and you’d have to be heartless not to be affected. I stand and pat Colin on the shoulder, but before I step away, his hand grabs mine. I look back to him.
