“No.” I gritted out. “And neither will you.”
Leaning in closer, he spoke at a lower octave to keep our conversation between us. “He wants more kids, Jazzy. We talk about it all the time. If he’s talking to me about it, I know for a fact that he mentioned it to you, his wife.”
Guilt crowded my eyes as I bit down on my bottom lip. Crying was never my resort for anything, so I refused to shed any tears, despite how heavy the situation weighed on my heart. “He has. We will have kids, just not right now.”
“And that’s okay, but sooner or later, you’re gonna have to keep it a hundred with your husband and let him know you had an abortion.”
The cold truth leaving his mouth hit me like a ton of bricks. I had spent close to a year deflecting as if it never happened. Hearing Priest say it out loud brought all the emotions, pain, and conflicted thoughts I had been suppressing back to the surface. It was true. I did have an abortion, and I never let Ahkeem know. It was something I thought I could gloss over and act like never happened. Something I was planning to take to the grave. Now, with a ring on my finger and Ahk constantly talking about the future, I quickly realized I wouldn’t be able to keep it from him for much longer.
I made a selfish decision based off my ambitions and the goals I wanted to achieve. A baby would’ve slowed me down, and I wouldn’t have been able to get to where I was now. Had I told Ahkeem I was pregnant, he would have made it a point to restrict me from working and just have me barefoot and pregnant at home. That wasn’t what I envisioned for myself.
“Priest, I’ll tell him when I’m ready,” I concluded.
He scoffed, unconvinced. “When would that be? I been holding this shit down for damn near year, waiting for you to tell him.”
My head snapped in his direction while my brows bumped together. “What? You’re gonna tell him?”
“It ain’t my place to.” He shook his head. “I just don’t wanna be in on this heavy-ass secret you keeping from your husband. I thought with time you would eventually come to your senses and let him know, but it looks like you’re content with keeping it from him. That shit not right, Jaz. I can’t even imagine Gioia keeping some shit like that from me.”
“PJ, you have your marriage, and I have mine,” I said, hoping to bring an end to the conversation.
I knew my brother wasn’t looking to overstep, and he meant well, but this was some shit that could end my marriage if Ahk didn’t take this shit well. I was the happiest I had ever been with my husband, and I just wasn’t ready to cut that short to deal with a devastating secret I’d been keeping from him.
Priest raised his hands, letting me know he would fall back. “You right. I just wanted to see where your head was at.”
“I’ll tell him, alright? I just need to figure out how.”
Priest stood up from his seat and made his way around the island to me. He pulled me into a hug before setting a kiss onto my forehead. “Ain’t no right way to tell him. Just be honest, take accountability, and let him decide how to move forward.”
“Ifhe wants to move forward, that is.”
Priest smacked his lips. “Gioia and I went through a lot of shit that sometimes even I thought we wouldn’t come back from. You and Ahk made for each other. Y’all are gonna figure it out.”
I gave him a light smile, appreciating his kind words and encouragement. He bid me a goodnight before going up the stairs to get Britain out of Genesis’ bed. By the time I made it up the stairs to crash in their guest room, he was carrying his pregnant wife bridal style to their bedroom. She remained sound asleep like a baby, knowing that he was keeping her safe and wouldn’t drop her.
Being around Britain and Jadey while they were pregnant stung me with a little bit of guilt. Had I not done what I did, I would have been waddling around all big and pregnant and then given birth to a perfect mixture of me and Ahkeem. I had pushed it so far to the back of my mind, I forgot how much the entire situation haunted me when I did think about it.
As I laid in bed without Ahkeem next to me, I gazed up at the ceiling, and my mind drifted back to almost a year ago.
My legs dangled above the floor as I sat at the edge of the bed, waiting for the doctor to come in. My nerves were bad, and although I had an appointment 24 hours prior to this one to ensure this was a decision I really wanted to make, I still felt out of fucking place.
“Ms. Barett, so nice to see you again.” Dr. Mitchell entered the room. He hit his hands with some hand sanitizer before taking a seat on the rolling stool before me.
“Likewise.”
“This should be very quick. I see that you signed all of your consent forms. Today, I will administer the first pill, which will stop the growth of the fetus. In 24 hours, you will take these four capsules. Put them on the inner portions of your cheeks and just let them dissolve. They will begin the process of the termination and will induce bleeding and the passing of thefetus and tissue.” He went on about side effects and certain things to look out for.
As sad as it was to admit, I zoned out for the most part. I felt like if I listened for too long, I would get in my head and talk myself out of my decision.
He handed me a paper cup with room temperature water and popped the first pill into the palm of my hand. Before I could even allow myself the chance to consider another option, I tossed the pill and the water back.
The next day, while Ahk was still away on business, I sat in bed and let the pills dissolve in my cheeks. Like clockwork, once they were dissolved, pain struck my body like never before. I always had a normal cycle and was lucky enough to experience minimal cramping. This felt like torture. Sharp pains struck my lower back and stomach, making me groan in agony. I balled myself up in the fetal position and yelled for what felt like hours. The bleeding was so heavy, I was running through the maxi pads Dr. Mitchell suggested I buy while having to change them every two hours. It would have been alarming any other time, but for what I was doing, I was assured it was normal.
I thought the pain would eventually pass after a few hours, but it only got worse. No amount of Tylenol, heating pads, or sleep would alleviate the pain that was ripping through my body. Despite the fact that I was committing an act that was unfavorable to God, I never prayed as much as I did that day. The pain was so bad, it had debilitated me and kept me confined to my bed.
After eleven agonizing hours, I realized I couldn’t withstand the pain alone. I reached for my phone and dialed the only person I knew would drop anything for me aside from Ahkeem. Priest made his way over immediately. I knew that just from the way my voice trembled, he knew something was terribly wrong. He used the spare key I had given him in case ofemergencies to let himself in. When he found me, I was a shell of myself, drowning in my own tears and wailing in agony.
“Jazzlyn, what the fuck?!” His eyes widened as he stood at the foot of the bed, not sure what exactly was going on.
