There has only ever been one other person who pulled that reaction from me… and then he died.
Maybe it’s time I finally give Grey the whole story.
“Charlie died in a car accident,” I say, being aware that this is completely random and uncalled for. Grey never really asked about Charlie except for that one time, which I still think was only to figure out whether I had a boyfriend or not. However, I’m sure he knows whatever happened to him made me turn into the guy I used to be before I met Grey. He tends to figure that shit out quite quickly. “I was in that car as well.”
Grey’s hand stops moving for a second, then he continues to caress my back. He doesn’t say it, but I know he wants me to keep on talking, so I do.
“His parents picked us up from soccer practice, on our way to their house we stopped to get some take-out. Everything was alright until we rounded the corner to their house and some car came out of nowhere, crashing right into us.” I look up at Grey, but his eyes remain on the TV. “I don’t really remember what happened next in detail, but I do remember waking up with some firefighter trying to cut me out of that car. I was upside down, so I figured the car must’ve turned over. I couldn’t move, not even turn my head to see where Charlie was at, if he was alright. I did see his parents though, and from the looks of it, they weren’t alive anymore. Nobody tried helping them, I guess that was what truly confirmed their death to me. I blacked out again and the next time I woke up, I was hooked up to some machines in the hospital."
A tear slips down my face. “My parents told me Charlie died, so did his parents. I don’t know why I survived, and even though I was angry that I did, I was angrier at two whole other things. The universe took my best friend from me as well as his parents. At leasttheywere together, right? But Charlie has a sister, she wasn’t in the car with us.”
Even though Grey tries to keep the gasp as quiet as possible, I can still hear it leave him.
“My parents took Doro in after the accident.” I blow out some air, trying to ease the tension that’s building inside of my chest. “Although I technically now had a sister and wasn’t alone, I felt lonelier than ever. And to ease the pain of losing my best friend, I turned to alcohol at the age of twelve. It made me numb, careless. I didn’t care whether I was hurting someone, unless that someone was beneficial to me, then I made sure tonothurt them until they were of no use anymore. Iwillinglyturned into a narcissist because it kept me from feeling, kept me from having to deal with emotions.”
“Then why did you decide to change it?” His voice comes out choked, empathic.
I think about it for a second. There is more than one reason to it, but I think there’s onlyonethat truly sticks out.
“Because all those years, even when I was being a complete asshole to everyone, Doro stuck with me. Even after she turned eighteen and could’ve left, she stuck with me. She was the only person—apart from my parents—who loved me no matter what. But that same year we met, on my birthday, she told me she couldn’t do this anymore. She said she couldn’t watch me die any longer or manipulate people into liking me because I had no idea how to make friends otherwise. I hurt her, and she was done letting me hurt her, which was good because she shouldn’t have ever allowed me to do that in the first place. It was when I realized that this isn’t who I want to be. I don’t want to be someone who intentionally hurts people, especially not the ones I love. And so eleven years after the accident, I finally wanted to get sober, get a fresh start in life.” I sigh to hopefully ease the pain in my chest as the memories start to flood my brain, at least the ones I have recollection of. “One of the therapists at rehab asked me a question that really stuck with me. He asked if I could see myself becoming a new person without losing myself. I didn’t have a real answer at that time because, well, you know me, I said I’d always be me because why would Inotwant to be me? I just wanted to get rid of my alcohol problem and being a manipulator, but other than that, why would I want to change?”
When Grey thinks I am cocky now, he should’ve met me four months earlier. I’m glad he didn’t because if he did, we wouldn’t be where we are right now.
He turns his head, our eyes meeting. “Do you have an answer now?”
I nod. “I didn’t want to become anewperson, I just wanted to be who I wasmeantto be. I wanted to be the guy I wasbeforeI ruined myself. Sure, a little more mature and not that goofy twelve-year-old, but…”
“Well I mean—”
I lay my hand over his mouth, shutting Grey up before he gets the chance to finish his sentence. He was about to say I haven’t matured at all, and I know that even without him having to say it. But these days I know he’s just teasing me, cracking jokes like normal people do, and I am so glad I finally understand the differences between mocking and teasing.
“This is my moment to talk, Grey Davis,” I say. “So, if you don’t mind keeping that pretty, naughty mouth of yours shut.”
I can feel him grin against my hand, which might as well be the only reason why I pull my hand away. His smile still brings my whole world to a halt every time I see it.
“Noted, you may proceed.”
“My point is, I never had to become a new person, never wanted to become one, so there was never a chance that I could’ve lost myself trying to becomemeagain. I’ve always been who I wanted to be. I just lost track of the right path, decided to take a quick detour through the ocean before I could find my way back to the guy I knew.”
“I’m pretty sure you had an amazing guardian angel watching over you.” He closes his arms around my body and presses the softest kiss to the top of my head.
I sure hope I did.
“I came back from rehab that day we met,” I admit. “I had been there for four months, so when I say you’re the first person I ever tried not being the old-me with, I never lied, Grey. You were literally the first person I even talked to after I came back. And I do admit, after you ignored me, I so badly wanted tomakeyou like me, but I promised myself I wouldn’t. So I decided to be patient.”
“Especially since you knew I was in love with you right away.”
I smile up at my boyfriend, then roll over to lie completely on top of him. “Exactly. There was never an actual reason why I should’ve tricked you into liking me because I am pretty awesome, and you fell for me the second you laid your eyes on me.”
“I think your abs did it for me.”Right, because I was shirtless when we met.
I gasp out loud, my jaw dropping. “I knew it! You’re just here for my body.”
“Obviously.” He rolls his eyes, then slaps a hand to my ass. Hard. “Also the cute dimples and the perfect smile. Plus, you kind of always said if I was in love with you, I should just say it, and I’m always up for a good challenge.”
Maybe a few years ago this would’ve confused me, made me believe that Grey only loves me because it was a challenge to him. But these days I know he doesn’t mean it that way. Grey never only kept seeking me out because he saw me as a challenge, but because he knew that somewhere deep down in his heart, there has always been a thread that connected him to me.
“Well.” I grin at him widely. “If you’re in love with me, Grey Davis, you definitely should just say it. Though it might have consequences.”
