But while he’d been staying at a hotel, she’d realised she missed him terribly, and it had dawned on her how much there was to lose. Besides, she still loved him, and in the end, she’d chosen to forgive. At the time it had felt like the least-worst option.
After that, they’d seemed to pick up where they left off but beneath the surface, something had changed. Edie supposed it was a matter of trust and these days, she was more watchful and insecure.
Certainly, the anguish had lessened over time, but you don’t forget these things completely; it was as if a small but significant part of him had slipped from her grasp and she’d been searching for it ever since.
Recently, though, she’d begun to despair of ever finding it again. In the depths of her gloom, she’d even thought of leaving him, or having an affair herself. Perhaps that would bring back some spark into her life and make Ralph sit up.
But her heart wasn’t in it and the thought of being on her own terrified her. She wasn’t as strong and independent as Jessica. Edie was like an Antarctic penguin; she needed warmth and closeness.
Ralph brought her crashing back to the present. ‘OK, let’s go out then,’ he said suddenly.
For a moment she forgot what they’d been talking about and stared at him blankly.
‘What do you want to do?’ he went on. ‘Go to the pub? Have a meal? See a film?’
‘I’ve no idea what’s on,’ she replied, forcing herself to refocus.
She knew most films started around eight and the nearest cinema was several miles away. She checked her watch: 6.45p.m.
‘Anyway, it’s too late now.’
‘What about a meal then?’
‘The restaurants will be booked up. We need to arrange things like that in advance.’
He sighed. ‘The pub?’
She shook her head and he sat back and crossed his arms defensively.
‘Why don’t you suggest something then?’
The good mood he’d been in earlier had well and truly evaporated, and it was all her fault. Now she felt guilty, too.
‘No, let’s not bother,’ she replied. She wouldn’t force him and besides, she’d gone off the idea, too. ‘We’re both knackered. I’ll do a quick pasta. We’ve got mushrooms and parmesan and I think there’s enough for a salad. I’ll do some marking later if I’ve got the energy. I’ve got masses to get through.’
His shoulders relaxed in evident relief, but her chest felt as heavy as a dark stone beneath the grey-blue sea. She gave herself a mental shake. What did she expect after twenty-five years together? Champagne and red roses? To be whisked upstairs in his arms and smothered in kisses? Marriage was no fairy tale. At least they were still together – just, unlike some of their friends.
Ralph took a handful of crisps and looked at her apprehensively. Perhaps he didn’t believe she wasn’t seeking to dredge up his past infidelity; maybe he thought she wanted to punish him further.
Whatever the truth, she decided to drop it.
‘I’m hungry, how about you?’
She took a crisp herself and popped it in her mouth, before licking the salt off her fingers one by one.
‘D’you want to lay the table? The pasta won’t take long.’
They ate supper side by side at the round oak table overlooking the garden. It was the biggest they could locate at the time and seemed far too large now for just the two of them.
Since the children left, she’d found herself huddling ever closer to him while they ate. Sometimes, she’d accidentally bump against his arm with her elbow and feel the need to apologise.
If it annoyed him, he never let on. Perhaps deep down he found the closeness comforting, too.
He had a habit of feeding Dilly little titbits from his plate, which had turned her into an awful nuisance.
‘Get down!’ Edie said sharply when the dog jumped up, scratching her thighs with her sharp claws.
Dilly only obliged when Ralph whistled to her to come to his side, holding out a juicy piece of penne.
