I never planned to do this with my daughter strapped to my chest, but then again, I didn’t plan to have a daughter, and she’s the best damn thing to happen to me. So maybe the idea of plans can go fuck itself.
“I think we’re at the end of a road here, and you have a choice to make. I’m not helping matters by bailing you out and making excuses for you at your job.”
“So don’t. No one’s asking you to do it.” He scowls at me, but there’s no power behind it. He has the same exhausted, haunted look as on Karen’s face the last time I saw her. Neither one of them has anything left, and I’m not far behind.
I could yell. I could boss my younger brother around. Instead, I walk over and put an arm around his shoulders, pulling him hard against my side. He’s stiff under my arm at first, but then he stops resisting, and his head falls against my shoulder. Charlotte lets out a little sigh but doesn’t budge.
This is my family.
For better or worse, we stick together. But I don’t want to disturb her, so I carefully undo the buckles and settle her into the stroller sitting a few feet away in the shade. Then I go back and hug him for real.
All this time, I’ve been staring at Chad like an adversary, a thorn in my side, an albatross that controlled my own ability to be happy. With our mom far away, he’s my only family, and maybe my fear isn’t that he’ll fuck up my life. Maybe it’s that he’ll fuck up so bad that I’ll lose him altogether. “I don’t want you to die from this like Dad did.”
I’ve never said the words out loud before, never allowed myself to give voice to my biggest fear. I’m so choked with emotion that it’s hard to force in air.
“I don’t want it either. But I don’t fucking know what to do, man.” His voice is small, almost a sob.
“Yes, you do, Chad. Yes, you do,” I assure him, trying to steady my voice.
“I want Karen back.”
“Okay then, good to know what you want. But it’s not enough. You need to do the real work. Rehab. Meetings. You have to go all in.” Broken record again, but this time, it feels more urgent.
He stares at the ground for so long that I start to wonder if he’s okay. When he looks up, his eyes are rimmed with red and a little wet. “Scares the hell out of me.”
I can’t believe he’s even considering it. I inhale a deeper breath than I have in a long time, feeling a silver lining of relief from the endless dark sky.
“Of course it does. It’s scary to know what you want. Because then you gotta fight for it.”
He nods and wipes his eyes on the back of his sleeve, pulling himself back together. His expression sobers as he nods, and eventually, he moves to stand right in front of me, giving me a hard stare.
“How would you even know?”
“Know about what?”
“Where’s the fight in you?”
“This is your journey, Chad. Not mine.”
“Bullshit.”
“Seems like you came here with something to say.”
“Yeah, maybe I did.”
“Say it, then.”
He wags a finger like a church minister. “How’s it going? Your domestic partnership?”
I could lie. Tell him I’m happy with Tessa back in LA and only seeing Charlotte part-time. Keep up appearances like I always do.
I shrug. “It’s fine. Making it work. The usual.”
He shakes his head the way our dad used to, conveying utter disappointment without saying a word. Like there’s no point in explaining all the ways in which one of us fucked up because it wasn’t worth the effort. Knowing we’d just make the same mistake again, so what was the point? I hated him for having such a low opinion of us, and then I turned around and proved him right.
“Where’d it go?”
“What?”
