‘I don’t feel like that all the time.’
‘Some of the time?’
‘Well, yeah. In the early days of us I didn’t want to scare you off, so I made a conscious effort not to put too much pressure on you. And now we’re at this point where I really fucking love you and …’
‘You still feel like I might do a runner?’ I suggest.
‘No, that’s not what I mean. I think you and I are really solid right now. It’s just that there’s no getting away from the fact that we want different things in life. Alice, I loved all of the things you said to me last night. I feel so happy that you feel that way about me, and that you want to talk about it. The problem is that I still want to have a family of my own and you made it pretty clear last night that you don’t see that for yourself. So are we just going to bump along together until we realise that we can’t make each other truly happy? You don’t want kids. I do. Surely that we seem to want different things is a bit of an alarm bell?’
I push back, the enormity of what he’s just laid bare hanging between us like a thunder cloud.
‘It doesn’t have to be an alarm bell, Zach.’
‘I love you so much, Alice. I would love to spend my life with you if we could and it made me so happy to hear you talking about our future too. I just don’t want us to get to a point where we’re in too deep and then find ourselves hating each other because we want different things from life.’
‘I love you too! Zach, I’m not saying I definitely don’t want to have a baby one day. I just haven’t made my mind up yet. There’s so much that I thought I didn’t want at the start of this year, like a relationship, and yet here we are. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me. But, look, I understand what you’re saying and I don’t want to get your hopes up. If you need a definite decision on that right now then …’
My voice cracks. I can’t believe we’re here now. I hate that I’m causing him pain but I will not make promises I can’t keep.
‘Alice, I want you more than I want anything else,’ he says, reaching out for my hand. ‘If it came down to it, I’d chose you over having a family any day.’
‘But you shouldn’t have to. We should all have the chance to get exactly what we want out of life,’ I say sadly.
‘Argh, please don’t be sad. I’m sorry.’
‘You’ve nothing to be sorry about.’
‘I’ve messed up another date.’
‘No, you’ve been honest with me. That’s important. I don’t want to lose you Zach but I don’t want to make you unhappy, either.’
‘That’s it, though. You don’t make me unhappy. I’ve never been happier.’
I nestle into his chest, screwing my eyes tightly shut and hoping beyond hope that this isn’t going to be it for us.
‘You know what? Every time we’ve hit a hurdle in our relationship, we’ve dealt with it together. We’ve worked a way around it. I have faith that we’ll be able to work out a solution to these big questions if and when we get to them.’
‘We are pretty good at navigating a shit storm,’ I laugh. ‘Listen, Zach, it’s not a definite no from me on the babies thing, okay? I just don’t know right now.’
‘It’s not a definite yes from me, either. I thought it was but the most important thing is that we’re happy.’
I tip my head up to look at him, his hair still mussed up from sleep.
‘I think we’re going to be okay,’ I whisper.
X Marks the Spot
Zach
‘Are we in another SOS kind of situation?’ Ellie asks, handing me a trolley and clipping her shopping list in place. She messaged earlier to say she was coming into town to do a big supermarket shop before the girls’ birthday party and I seized at the chance to get some advice from my best friend.
‘It’s not like we had a big fight or a massive freak-out,’ I say as we steer through the shop. ‘Things with Alice feel much more stable these days, I think. I’m just worried that we want different things out of life. On our last date she reminded me that she doesn’t think she wants kids and, well, you know how I feel about being a dad one day.’
Ellie nods as we head towards the crisp aisle.
‘And why do you want to be a dad?’
‘Um, I just do?’
