I’m filled with relief when my phone buzzes to let me know the taxi’s arrived. ‘Here it is now. You stay and enjoy yourself.’
He’s scratching his head, dejected, but I can’t focus on that right now. I have to get out of here. I don’t even kiss him goodbye as I pull on my trainers, sling my bag over my shoulder and leave.
There’s a message pinned on the fridge from Natalie waiting for me when I get back.
‘Cannot wait to hear the details of your bonk fest SOZ mini-break! While you’ve been away with your boyf I’ve spent the weekend working and seeing mates so our role swap continues. See ya later!’
I sling my bag on the floor. No debrief with Natalie just yet then.
HELP PLEASE. I panicked halfway through my trip with Zach and now I’m back at home already.I message Dylan.
The Bolter’s at it again!
This is serious. I feel awful.
Do you?
YES.
Uncharacteristic of you. Usually you just ditch them and move on.
I haven’t ditched him. I have genuine questions about what I’m doing with my life and his and this is one huge mess.
Pickle, I’m sorry to hear that. I’m about to go on set but will be free later if you want to chat then?
Dylan’s busy. Nat’s away. Which means there’s only one option left. Today, it’s time to bring out the big guns.
‘Daddy?’ I say down the phone. I still call him that, okay? Let’s move on.
‘Hello, love! How are you?’
‘I’m …’ Great? Really good? I find none of my usual replies to this question will work.What is the matter with me?‘I’m a bit confused to be honest, Dad.’
‘Oh dear, are the business accounts getting the better of you again? I told you to hire an accountant. It might be an extra expense but if it means …’
‘No, not that,’ I say, laughing in spite of myself. ‘It’s about the guy I’ve been seeing.’ Dad knows Zach and I are dating because we talk all the time, but I don’t often bring up the topic myself and I can practically hear the cogs turning in Dad’s brain now. ‘I know you’re away for the weekend but have you got a minute?’
‘Of course! My friends are still at the beach but it was getting too hot for me so I’m back at the hotel reading my book.’
I smile at this. Dad’s in Cornwall with his pals and his delicate Celtic skin has never fared well in warm weather.
‘Why are you confused, love?’
Pfft. Where to start? I take a deep breath. ‘We’ve been on thirteen dates now, Dad. I only know that because we’re doing this alphabet dating thing and I had no intention of it getting any further than, like, B.’ Dad chuckles down the line. ‘But I’ve just left our mini-break in the Lake District early. It was all going so well until I basically clammed up, made some rubbish excuse about a work emergency and left.’
‘Don’t you worry, my love. There’s not always a right or wrong way to go about things. But it seemed like it was going well and you liked spending time with him. What made you panic?’
I explain to Dad about how Zach talked about his family and how much his parent’s divorce has made him crave a family of his own. How his brother’s picture perfect family are exactly what he wants for himself. ‘I totally understand that, Dad. And the thing is, I really care about Zach but I don’t know if I want those things myself. Until recently I didn’t even want a boyfriend and now I feel like I have all these big bloody life decisions to make. Like, I want Zach to be happy but can we find a common ground for our fundamentally opposing views on what we want out of life?’
‘Alice, these are some big questions,’ Dad says eventually.
I scratch my head. ‘Can you answer them for me please?’
‘Now if there’s one thing I know for certain about my clever daughter, it’s that she likes to make decisions for herself. You are strong and independent, Alice. It sounds like you and Zach are more similar than you think. You’ve both had childhoods which have made you want to do things differently for your futures. For Zach, his parents splitting up has made him yearn for a family of his own. For you …’ Dad pauses and I can hear the crack in his voice.
‘For you, losing Mum has made you vow never to put yourself in a situation that could risk you feeling such heartache again.’
My eyes pool with tears and I look up, blinking them away.
