‘Um.’
Why have I lost the ability to construct sentences?I flit from Zach to Natalie.
‘I may have messaged him,’ she whispers, already scrambling out of her seat. ‘WILL YOU LOOK AT THE TIME! I’ve got to get back for … that programme I’ve been watching. Totally forgot it was on tonight!’ I narrow my eyes. ‘Zach, why don’t you sit here and take my place.’
‘Is that okay, Alice?’ he asks. He looks so anxious and hopeful that my initial shock turns to something else. I think it’s hope.
‘Sure,’ I say.
‘Excellent,’ Natalie is actually clapping now, looking like she’s just masterminded a genius plan. ‘Bye Al, bye Zach.’
Bye Zach. Is that what I want to say to him, too? I’ve never even had a long-term boyfriend to break up with before. The thought of not seeing him, or laughing with him, or jogging through woods with him makes my head heavy. I don’t want that. But what’s the other option?
Zach sits down opposite me, fidgeting with the table salt.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he’s suddenly saying, meeting my gaze. ‘I behaved unbelievably badly on our last date and I know that I’ve messed things up. I’ve missed you …’
‘You haven’t been in touch since.’
Zach’s eyes search the room as he collects his thoughts. ‘I’ve wanted to, so much. But you were so cross that night and I knew you’d need space.’
‘And yet you’re here now,’ I point out.
He looks completely defeated, I realise, and my fingers yearn to reach out and touch his.
But the problem is that this week, while I’ve been throwing myself into work and picking a hole in my T-shirt, I’ve realised something. That the main reason I bolted is because I’m worried I can’t trust Zach.
‘I am here now,’ he confirms. ‘You mean so much to me Alice. I had to try.’
I’m reminded of something I said to myself a while ago.
Don’t let him be the one who gets away.
‘Argh,’ I say, resting my head in my hands. ‘There seems to be too much to deal with, Zach. You made assumptions about me and Dylan and I did not like that. He’s my best friend. Why does there have to be a subtext to a male–female friendship? Our friendship is purely platonic, always has been.’
‘That night at ping pong was the perfect storm of me feeling inadequate and jealousy rearing his ugly head. I feel really bad about it so I reached out to apologise to him.’
That’s something, I think. ‘I hope he apologised too? He didn’t exactly cover himself in glory, either.’
‘Well, sort of. I know now that he’s just being protective of you as his friend.’
‘He always has been. The day after we found out that mum’s illness was terminal, Dylan’s mum drove us to the seaside for the day to try and take my mind off things. We ate fish and chips on the beach even though the wind was blowing sand in our food and I just cried and cried. He was a constant support through all the tears and he’s fiercely guarded me ever since. I think …’ I pause.
The pub quiz has started. Zach’s listening intently, an unmistakable glint of hope in his eyes, and I feel torn right down the centre of me as the realisation hits.
‘I think Dylan is wary of you because he knows I am,’ I blurt out. Blunt as ever. I wince as I watch Zach compute this. He’s back to wearing all black tonight, looking exactly like the boy I met at the art gallery.
‘Why are you wary of me?’ he whispers.
I can feel tears prickling and I blink hard.
‘Is it because you don’t need me? I’m not part of your plan?’ He’s hunched over, leaning his forearms on his legs now.
‘You definitely aren’t part of my plan,’ I smile softly though he’s not looking at me. His head’s hung low.
‘Okay,’ he says eventually, looking up at me sadly. ‘Okay.’
‘I’m wary of you because of your past,’ I blurt out. ‘The relationship with a woman who was already seeing someone else? I know she lied to you about it but you said yourself that the warning signs were there and you pretty much ignored them. You wanted to believe her when she told you it was over with James, so you did. I really feel for you Zach, but still … it’s not great, is it?’
