Zach looks like he’s been punched. He pulls off his glasses, sets them on the table and pinches his nose. I’ve seen him do it time and again when he’s anxious or nervous. Now he looks full of sorrow and the fact that my words have done that to him makes me feel awful. But it’s the truth.
‘Fuck,’ he says, shaking his head. ‘I really wish I could unpick that whole strand of my life. I thought you and I had got to the point where we’d dealt with it together and were moving past it but it’s really hard to do that when my ex keeps cropping back up. You’re working on her wedding flowers. Octavia brought her up at ping pong. Dylan seems furious with me for having a past, full stop. The thing is, Alice, there’s nothing I can do about Clara now. I regret it all so much but more than anything, I wish I hadn’t caused you this pain.’
‘You’re right. We had dealt with it and I thought we were moving forward, too. But then that night at ping pong … I hated seeing you and Dylan fight like that. I know you were angry with me for confiding in him but he’s my best friend so that will never change.’
‘I know that.’
‘And I think I made you feel insecure and I hate that too.’
‘That wasn’t you, that was Dylan. He’s such a big personality and I just panicked that I can’t make you laugh like he can.’
I raise my eyes at that. ‘He’s a comedian, Zach,’ I say with a small smile. ‘He’s been cracking jokes since we were kids. But you make me happy …’ I pull up short.
‘You’re crying,’ Zach whispers.
I swipe at the tears drizzling down my cheeks.
‘I feel, argh, I don’t know. Confused. I hate the idea that when we’re together, you’re not sure of yourself. I know you crave stability and a proper home,’ I say, thinking about all that Zach has told me about his parents’ divorce. ‘I worry that I’m not right for you. That I can’t give you what you really want.’
‘Alice, what I really want isyou. You’re right, I can be insecure but that’s not on you, that’s on me. It’s something I’m working on and our last date was a massive slip-up in that respect. The whole night was just a ridiculous clash of stuff that doesn’t really matter, I don’t think. Yes, my last relationship was messy and I shouldn’t have taken Clara’s word for it, but I only realised that she was still seeing her ex long after we’d broken up. I was foolish but I’d never deliberately hurt anyone like that.’
His words hang in the air and I lean back in my chair, contemplating all that’s been said while the quiz master rattles off questions in the background. It’s the oddest soundtrack to our heart to heart. Zach’s hunched over his pint, staring into the amber liquid like he’ll find the answers in there. Maybe if I’d had a serious relationship in the past, I’d be able to figure this out more easily? Maybe I wouldn’t feel like I’m swimming against the tide. I’m exhausted from all the questions that my mind keeps firing at me but if I sift through the daunting feeling that I’m opening myself up to something new for the first time since Mum died, I know that these concerns are just my defence mechanism kicking back in. Because even though it’s only been a few days, being apart has made it feel like longer and I’ve missed Zach. I love spending time with him. And my gut instinct tells me that I do not want that to end.
‘We all have a past, right?’ I say eventually.
‘I’d like to make a case for the past not mattering so much. It’s the present that we should be focusing on.’
‘You are quite maddeningly wise sometimes.’
He looks at me, eyes wide with hope.
‘Does that mean …?’
‘I chatted to my dad about you a while back,’ I say, spinning Mum’s ring around my finger absent-mindedly. ‘He asked me a couple of questions and one of them was if my life feels better with you in it. The thing is, Zach, it does. I’ve missed you.’
‘I’ve missed you too,’ he says, coming round to my side of the table and kneeling down next to me.
‘But the problem is, I don’t know if I can trust you. Or myself. The closer we get, the more I panic that I’m going to hurt you because I’m always on the edge of running away.’
‘I can do something about the first problem, if you’ll let me? Let me prove that you can trust me on our next date?’
I laugh at that. ‘Have you had an R date in mind all this time?’
‘It’s just come to me,’ he says with a look full of promise. ‘I haven’t dared hope until now.’
‘I like hope. Hope is good. It’s optimistic and full of possibility.’
‘Just like you,’ Zach says.
Feeling my reservations drop down a notch, I let myself breathe in properly for the first time since Zach got here.
‘I’ve missed you,’ I say simply. He crouches by my chair, kissing me oh so softly on the lips and it feels right.
‘I’ve missed you so much,’ he replies, a huge smile reaching across his face as he sits back down.
‘There’s just one problem. There’s no way we can win this quiz because we’ve missed half the questions already and I do not like to lose.’
Zach laughs and I revel in the sound, jubilant that we seem to be getting back on track. ‘Shall we have a go at the last half? Maybe you can explain who was in charge of calling us Cool Story, Brew while we’re at it.’
