I sighed. I didn’t have the energy for more conversations that I knew were only going to leave me fucking hurting. I could barely stomach the conversation I had with Dovelyn when she said the same thing to me. I had no idea what Scottie wanted to talk about, and I had even less desire to find out. I spent my entire damn day building my walls up and blocking everyone out. I wasn’t about to let her destroy them right now.
“Please,” she added—and her voice, her tone, the way her eyes were pleading with me—I gave in and turned around to face her.
“Fine,” I grumbled, pissed that I still had no control around her. “You can talk while I walk.”
“Where are you going?”
“The bath house.” I needed to bathe, and while most days I didn’t mind the communal showers that everyone had to use—after I figured out how they worked, I found them to be more efficient and sanitary—but today I really wanted nothing more than to soak in a tub, purely for the fact at how stiff my muscles were.
“Okay.” She nodded her head as she came up beside me, and we started walking up the grassy hill together. Everyone gave us a wide berth. No one came within a ten foot radius of me unless they were forced to in the dining tent or if they were crazy enough to spar me while training. Even after Dravenburg set therecord straight about all the broadcasts, it didn’t change anything.
“Um, I wanted to see how you’re doing?” she asked, biting her lip.
I smirked. It was only a slight incline, more from annoyance and shock that she had actually asked me that. “Really, Scotlind? If this is what you want to talk about, then forget it.”
“Okay, fine. We don’t have to talk aboutthat.” She twirled her hair around her finger while she continued to bite into her lip. My heart lurched. She was fidgeting. I used to love watching her squirm when she was uncomfortable. I loved being the one who caused it. But now…
“I wanted to tell you I’m really sorry. For everything…” She stopped twirling her hair and met my gaze. I hadn’t even realized we stopped walking and instead were turned to face each other. “I wanted to do something when… when everything happened… I didn’t want to just stand there—”
“I know,” I cut her off. I didn’t need to hear it. It didn’t stop the fucking hurt it caused me when I saw her standing on the stage, and she did nothing as my world shattered, but I knew now she didn’t have a choice. She was being controlled.
It felt symbolic almost, in a sick sort of way. She’d been used her whole damn life, forced into doing things she never wanted to do. Growing up as a Luxian in Tennebris, she’d been compelled more times than I’d care to admit, some because of me. There wasn’t much that Scotlind got to choose for herself. The only thing she did pick wasnotpicking me. The only real decision she ever made was bonding with Tezya…
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said. I couldn’t bring down that wall. I just couldn’t. I tried so hard to not think about the slight possibility that maybe my father wasn’t a complete asshole, and that I never got to meet therealhim. I didn’t want to think about how my mother and Moli were now gone. That Greyland and Lilia were orphans with only two fucked-up olderbrothers to protect them. Or that my brother now had to live the rest of his life missing a fucking eyeball because I didn’t think to check on him sooner. If I had known the King had him…
I shook my head. I didn’t want to think about anything. I just wanted to take a hot shower before I’d be forced into another meeting that didn’t pertain to me.
“Okay,” she said softly, her voice barely audible. “I also want you to know that after this war, I’m going to clear your name. I’m going to set everything straight and make sure everyone knows you’re a good person, that you aren’t the one killing those zeroes. I’ll make sure everyone knows what was aired on the broadcast was fabricated and—”
I closed my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Scotlind, most of it was real. Ididhurt my family’s servants growing up. I let my friends compel you for their own entertainment. I annulled our marriage. I gave you up and sent you to the Lux King. I caused you pain. I can see that now.”
“No, no.Youdon’t get it.” She had tears in her eyes. “BecauseIget it now. I understand why you did it now. I know what it’s like to have to make decisions like that, and I’m sorry I was mad at you for it. I’m sorry I blamed you…”
I knew this was stemming from something that happened between her and Vallie. No one knew the full extent of what went down when they were captive, but I could see it in her eyes, whatever she had to do, she regretted. Maybe she was cornered like I was with no real options. But now she was apologizing to me? There was nothing for me to forgive. Her anger toward me, her hurt—it was all fucking warranted.
“It’s okay, Scotlind.”
Tears poured down her cheeks. “I’m also sorry that… that I hurt you because I love him. I’m just… ugh,” she swiped at her tears, “I’m so sorry for everything.”
“Scotlind,” I said, and her gaze snapped to mine. “Eventhough it fucking kills me to see you with him, I want you to be happy.” I sucked in a breath. “I’m going to be fine, and so is your friend.” She finally nodded, her tears slowing. “And you will be too.”
It was a lie, and she knew it. None of us were fine. Not even fucking close.
FIFTY-EIGHT
SCOTLIND
“How didyour talk with Sie go?”
I had told Tezya I needed to talk with him and get some things off my chest. Ever since I came to Brighta, I couldn’t stop comparing what happened in Lux to what Sie did when he sent me there. I held onto so much resentment, and I realized, once Vallie viewed me in the same light, I finally understood why he did it.
“About as good as I look,” I attempted to joke as I entered our shared tent. I honestly wasn’t sure which tent I was originally assigned to, but when I asked Tezya how to find out, he made it clear that I was sleeping with him every night.
He scanned my face now, seeing my dried tears. “Did he hurt you?” His voice went from gentle to deadly in a millisecond.
“No, no. Tez, I’m fine. He didn’t. The talk was fine.”
“What’s wrong then?”
