I narrowed my eyes. Fine. “Why did you work for the Lux King?”
“That wasn’t really my choice. I mean,don’t get me wrong, I didn’t protest when Synder suggested I was the one to go. But it was before I realized he was a sadistic asshole.”
“You’re an asshole too.”
“Well aware, Valerina. I haven’t done much in my life that was good.”
I scoffed. At least he knew it. “Why were you so mean to Scottie?” I asked next.
“Why doyouthink?”
“I always thought you had a crush on her,” I admitted softly. I looked down at my feet as I said it, not able to meet his gaze.
He started laughing then. “She’s pretty, but no, I never liked her like that.” I felt his eyes on me, but I refused to look up. I heard him exhale before he said, “I was mean to her simply because I could be mean. There isn’t much more to it than that.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Don’t do this, Vallie.”
“Do what?”
“Search for things. Try to make connections and find reasons to convince yourself I’m a good person because I’m not. You should kill me.”
“I know.”
“Are you ever going to then?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I admitted softly. When I first started coming down here, that was my intention. I kept telling myself I was working up the courage to kill him, but now I didn’t even bring a dagger with me.
I came here today on my own accord.
I finally looked at him again. He was still staring at me, his brown eyes hardening. “You’re running out of time.”
“Yeah,” I sighed, tilting my head up to look at the ceiling. We were supposed to be arriving on Allium any day now, and I couldn’t even pretend to be excited about it. It felt wrong to liveout my brother’s dream, to see everything he worked so hard for come true when he couldn’t be here to see it for himself.
Kole sighed, and I felt his gaze leave mine even as my own eyes were glued to the floor in front of me.
“I still hate you, though. Just because I’m not trying to murder you anymore doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about it.”
He scoffed. “I’m well fucking aware of that, Vallie. You remind me nearly every damn day.”
“Good. I don’t want you to forget it,” I snapped a little too quickly, then I asked, “Why would you let me kill you?” I knew he would. Out of the past six months, I’d been coming down here for five of them. The first two were spent with a dagger in my hand as I stared at him, and I knew he would have let me. I was pretty sure he still would if I wanted to and that realization bothered me because I didn’t. I realized month four that I didn’t want Kole dead, and I hated myself for it. I couldn’t even understand why I didn’t want to kill him anymore.
“Even if you don’t kill me, I don’t have a life here anymore.” He gestured to the cage surrounding him and then at the chains on his wrists. “You’d be saving me from misery.”
“Well, if I have to be miserable, so do you.”
He looked at me then. “You don’t have to be miserable, Vallie. You can have a new life. Start over and be fucking happy.”
I scoffed. It was what everyone kept telling me. Everyone except Kallon.Move on—it was what they all kept thinking, but I couldn’t.
“Everything I ever wanted is gone. I can’t even—” I stopped talking. I could feel the tears well in my eyes. What I was about to say, it was something I never admitted to anyone.
“You can’t have kids,” he finished for me. My eyes flared as I met his gaze. He was already staring at me, watching me. I wasn’t sure if he ever looked away.
“How did you know?” I haven’t been able to talk about it, especially not to Peter.
The only people I could stand to have a conversation with were Scottie and Kole, and it was only because they were both there. They saw everything. I didn’t have to explain. But every time I looked at my best friend, I kept seeing my brother’s face burn off. So Kole became my only option.
