“Aside from seeing the two scars Semander gave you across your hips?” He shrugged. “I knew the King wouldn’t have ra—done anythingto you without eliminating all consequences, and I’m sorry, Vallie. I’m sorry for everything that happened to you. He never should have touched you.”
I was crying now. “The worst part isn’t that he haunts mypast. It’s that he took away myfuture… I wanted…” I couldn’t finish as the sobs wrecked me. I wanted to be a mother so badly, and now I couldn’t. He took everything from me. He took my twin, the family I already had, and now he took away any chances of me having more. I was alone. And I was empty.
Kole was silent as I kept crying and crying, and once I started, I couldn’t stop. I wasn’t sure how long I sobbed, but at some point my tears dried and my head ached, making it hard to think about anything but the pain.
“I think it’s for the best,” I finally said. I pulled my legs to my chest now, resting my head on my knees.
“Why?”
“Because if I had kids, even decades later, I’m not sure I’d be able to handle it if they had red hair… If they hadhishair…”
“You might not see it now, but you’re going to get through this, Vallie—”
“I can’t even look in a mirror, Kole. I can’t stand my own reflection.” If I wasn’t seeing the parts of Miles in me, I was seeing what the King did to my body… “How am I supposed to move on when I can’t even do something as simple as that?”
“It doesn’t matter if your hair is red or if you keep dyeing it black. Fuck mirrors. You don’t need—”
I jolted as the door to the pod opened, cutting Kole off. I was on my feet in an instant, wiping my tears that were long gone.
My eyes met green ones—Peter. He looked between us, and I knew he was trying to mask a frown. He found out I’d been coming down here a month ago, and instead of talking to me about it, he ignored it. It was driving me insane.
“We’re about to land,” Peter said. His hand was still on the door, and I saw his knuckles turning white. I knew he hated this—hated that I kept coming down here. “I thought you’d want to be with everyone when we do.”
I nodded. I didn’t say goodbye to Kole or even acknowledge him as I followed Peter out.
I could feel Peter glancing at me as we walked up the steel stairs leading toward the rest of the ship. It wasn’t until we were well out of earshot from the dungeons that Peter whispered, “You should stop visiting him.”
I whirled on him. He didn’t want to talk about it for the past month, but now all of a sudden he was going to demand I stop going? He didn’t get to tell me what I could and couldn’t do.
“You don’t control me—” I started, but he cut me off.
“Vallie,” he said gently, “he could be playing with you. He knows he messed up and is probably looking for a way out.”
“He’s not,” I snapped before I even realized it. I wasn’t even sure if I believed it myself. Kole probablywasusing me, and I was just too hurt to see it or even care.
He reached out, placing his hand on my shoulder, and I flinched.
My heart was beating erratically in my chest, and I couldn’t calm my breathing… I was back in the King’s bedroom, feeling things that weren’t my own…
“Shit,” Peter cursed, immediately pulling his hand away. “I’m so sorry, Vallie. I didn’t mean to… I’m so freaking sorry.”
“It’s—okay.” My voice was trembling, and I think my hands were shaking more.
Peter wasn’t buying it.
He sighed. “If seeing him helps you, then fine. Even if I hate it, I’m not going to stop you. But you shouldn’t do it alone anymore, Vallie. He’s dangerous.”
I didn’t answer him. I didn’t know how. I knew I was hurting Peter, but I couldn’t help it.
He tried to smile, his voice softening. “Come on. Everyone is going to the back of the ship for landing. We need to hurry so we don’t miss it.”
I flexed my fingers at my sides. Breathing in and out slowly before I followed him again.
I glanced at Peter before he opened the door to the back. I wanted to say something to him, but before I could, voices hit me, and I was greeted by everyone.
There was a large window along the length of the wall and an even larger hatch door that I knew was going to open the second we landed.
I gasped, frozen in the doorway. For months and months anytime I looked out the windows all I saw was endless black and a splatter of stars…
