And yet, under Sami’s kind, understanding eyes, the words spilled out of him; an avalanche of memories he failed to hold back, failed to shove back into the pit where emotions were supposed to die.About how tense things had been at home.How he had watched his mother fade away until the day he and Eevee had come home from school, how they found her lying next to a needle and a crumpled note that read “I’m sorry.”Eevee’s screams and sobs, her desperate attempts to wake Mom up, still pushed tears into Baz’s eyes even now.It had been ruled as a suicide with no further investigation because of course Jack’s cop buddies protected him.
Everything had fallen apart at home afterward.Whenever he wasn’t working, Jack was constantly drunk and rotting on the couch, doing nothing but staring at the ceiling while the empty bottles racked up next to him.That he managed to keep his job was further proof of foul play.
And then, there was the day he caught Eevee trying on their mother’s old clothes, and the apathy had turned to rage.
After that, Jack, barely able to look at them, had dragged them to church to meet a priest who was supposed to ‘fix’ Eevee’s delusions.It was a miracle Eevee had grown into the kind human she was today despite all the hate funneled into her.
Sami listened to it all, nodding, only contributing the odd ‘damn.’It must have been the longest he had ever gone without talking.He didn’t get a chance—Baz tumbled down the spiral of memory lane and was spit out an empty husk.Out of words, out of breath.Every secret, every painful memory laid bare between them.A rotting pile of shit.
And yet, Sami, wonderful, warm Sami, wiped the tears from his cheek, wrapped his arms around his shoulders and held the pieces of him together while Baz fell apart.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, and “thank you for trusting me,” and “you’re safe with me,” never ceasing to bless Baz with tiny kisses he scattered across his face and hair.His nails were drawing circles on Baz’s scalp, and Baz fell apart some more.
“I’m sorry,” Baz croaked, his face still buried against Sami’s perfectly hairy chest.The best pillow he had ever known.
“Don’t you dare.”
He did dare, and he muttered it again, only for Sami to hold him tighter.
Baz waited for the merciful numbness to free him from the pain in his chest, but it didn’t come.When the sobs subsided and his eyes dried up, in midst of the emotional wasteland left behind, a single rose sprouted and unfolded its blood red petals.It smelled of oakmoss and lime.
He lifted his head, searched for Sami’s lips that found his first, soft and tender.
“You’re okay,” Sami whispered.
Baz nodded.He dreaded to think how puffy his eyes were, how utterly unattractive he must look, how he had ruined their night.
He wiped his cheeks dry and took a deep, trembling breath.“Are you out to your family?”
“Yes.Well, to my parents.They are the only family I’m close to.”
“Do they mind?Are they religious?”
“They’re casual Christians at best.And no.I was in college when I told them I was seeing a guy.My dad kind of shrugged it off and said as long as I didn’t get anyone pregnant before marriage, he didn’t care.And my mom went weirdly quiet.She didn’t talk about it until that situationship was over, but then she suddenly showed up on campus and she said, ‘Sami, since you like men, I have found the perfect place for you to find a good one!’And she showed me fucking Grindr,” Sami chuckled.Despite everything, Baz couldn’t help but join in.
“Seriously?”
“Yes!She was so pleased with herself, I didn’t have the heart to tell her that Grindr isn’t exactly where people go to find true love.I did download it.Wasn’t for me.Probably because I kept thinking of my mom.”
“They sound awesome.”What Baz wouldn’t have given for parents like that.But what he felt wasn’t the ugly sting of jealousy—no, he was glad for the love Sami had experienced.If only there was more of that to go around.
Well, he had Eevee and Joel.Tough as their childhoods had been, they had always been there for each other through it all.That was far from nothing.
“They’ve done their best all my life,” Sami said.“Plus, my mom makes the most amazing hummus.It’s a taste of heaven.She could murder someone in front of me, and I’d look the other way just to get more of that.”
Baz doubted hummus was the only reason Sami kept in touch.The way he spoke about them, with such care, there was no doubt that he was just as dedicated to his family as Baz was to his, if not more so.Baz had done a terrible job returning the love and support Eevee had given him the last few years.He needed to change that.
“I’m happy for you.”
Sami’s smile dropped along with his jaw when he gasped.“Wait.Is that why you hate me?The drug thing?”
He had tried and hate Sami for that, hadn’t he?How stupid of him to condemn Sami’s character like that when Sami had given him nothing but grace since the start.
“That was a part of it,” Baz admitted.
“Does it help that I only sold my ADHD meds to, like, three people during exam season, two of whom I’m convinced have it but were undiagnosed?”
Baz blinked.“Wait, that’s it?”
