“But really, everything just feels so different with you. You know I’m not used to thinking too deep about shit—”
“That I know.”
“—It always caused pain or anxiety. But with you… I feel like I want to think about everything. You make my head feel calm the same way not thinking about shit does.”
“I don’t know ifcauses neurological hypoactivityis the compliment you think it is.” I laughed.
“The fuck is that?”
I rolled my eyes. It was hard for me to get mushy sometimes, but it was important to him, and I needed to bear it. “Just low brain activity. Sorry. Go on.”
Finn took a deep breath. “I think I have feelings for you. No, not think. Know. I have feelings for you, Ryder. I’m not sure what that says about my sexuality. Maybe I’m bi, maybe I’m full-blown gay, I just know that sex with you feels good… on the inside. Sex with women only ever felt good physically.”
“Finn, I—”
“No, just let me finish, man. This is the whole reason I suggested this place.”
“Okay.”
“Full shit? The thought had crossed my mind. How could it not? But I always had less than zero attraction to Miles, who’s an objectively hot guy, so I figured I’mnotgay or bi or whatever, ‘cause I’ve seen that dude’s dick a billion times, and it does less than nothing for me.”
“TMI, Finn.” We laughed again.
“Sorry. I guess what I’m trying to say is…” He exhaled and spoke quickly. “I’m not seeing anyone else and don’t plan to. And I don’t know what it will look like or anything else, but I want to give it a real shot with you. If that’s something you want, too.”
Anyone else would’ve seen it coming. I, however, was flabbergasted. I was maybe expecting him to be likeYeah, I like dick, yours especially, and I’m good with that,not suggest wegive it a real shot.Was it everything I secretly hoped he’d say one day? Yes. Did I think he could evaluate those feelings on his own? No. Did I need to stop thinking of him as a lost boy and start thinking of him as a man with a map who just needs to fuckingreadit? Apparently,yes.
A slow smile grew across my face. Not because of my secret wish fulfillment, but I was so fucking proud of him. For a guy who pushes so much of himself away to avoid internal stressors, he deserved all the credit.
“I feel the same way, Finn. My life is complicated, but also fucking boring. You make it both easier and more exciting. Everything has been so much better since we started hooking up. If it all went away after the wedding, I’d be really fucking bummed.”
Another surprise, Finn reached across the table to hold my hand. “It won’t. I’m gonna be dating your hunky ass for as long as you’ll have me.”
My vision fogged as both our smiles grew tighter. Nothing was said, but enough was communicated. I was head over heels in love with him, but I wasn’t about to tell him that, not yet. Why spoil such a perfect moment?
“Are you okay?” Finn asked. “Is it too much? Sorry if I overstepped or overshared.”
“What? No, not at all, man. I…” His eyes were warm honey, and so honest. “Just… I was starting to believe I’d neverfind something real, and you’re so real. You’re unlike anyone else I know. I never feel like I’m letting you down, like I’m enough as is, and that makes me feel a way I didn’t know I could.”
“Yeah, man.” Finn was such a good person. Honest, and loyal, and true. Sometimes, when he smiled like that, his goodness leaked out. “And you make me feel… I dunno but I think it’s how normal people operate on the daily.”
The server arrived with our starters and bid us a good meal in French before I could respond.
The moment had faded, and as we looked at the raw beef and cooked snails, Finn said, “I’ve never had either of these before.”
“You’ve never had a boyfriend before, but that didn’t stop you from asking me just now.”
Finn’s face glazed over, and he sat back. He might be working on the not under-thinking thing, but it still amused me when he didn’t make obvious connections.
“Boyfriend. Damn. Wow.” He smiled, chuckled, looked down, and shook his head. “Damn.”
“Is that… do you not like that?”
He looked up, his smile radiant. “No. No, not all. I love it. I think… damn. Yeah, that works. That fits. It’s perfect.”
I felt like the Grinch, my heart growing three sizes at once. “Yeah, I think it is too.”
Finn laughed and shook his head, before staring at me wide-eyed. “Shit…”
