Just as the classroom door closed shut behind me, I heard Olivia say, “…I should make sure she’s okay…”
Not wanting to wait for Olivia to start in on a round of, ‘what’s wrong’ and ‘why aren’t you okay,’ I hurried to the bathroom. Thankfully, Ihad a tank on underneath and as soon as I was at the hand dryer, I slipped off my shirt and stuck it under the air.
Olivia joined me a few seconds later. She kept talking but I couldn’t hear over the roar of the dryer. I shook my head and shrugged as I watched her lips move. Hoping she’d pick up on the message that I didn’t want to talk. Not to her. Not to anyone.
I could make out some of the things she was saying. Something about Ethan and dancing, but I’d made my decision. There was no going back now.
Suddenly, Olivia yanked my shirt from my hands and stepped back. There was a fire in her gaze that I’d never seen before. I scrambled to get it back from her, heat pricking at my neck.
What was the matter with her? Couldn’t she see that I just wanted to be left alone?
The noise from the dryer stopped and an eerie silence engulfed the room. I lunged for Olivia only to have her step to the side and raise my shirt over her head.
“Give it back,” I said as I stood there with my hands on my hips, trying to give her the most menacing stare I could muster.
When she met my gaze, I wanted to cry. Olivia didn’t seem angry or upset. Instead, she looked worried. That was so much worse. I could handle her anger right now. In fact, I craved it. Part of me wanted to yell and shout and slam my fists against the wall. Butseeing her concern? Or worse…pity?
That I couldn’t handle.
Olivia sighed. “I’m sorry I had to resort to such drastic measures, but you are shutting me out,” she said as she shook out my shirt and grabbed a few paper towels and began blotting it.
I stared at her as I tried to process what she was saying. “You did this onpurpose?”
Exhaustion swept over me and I leaned my shoulder against the wall as I watched her work.
Olivia snorted. “I’m a dancer. I have incredible balance.” She smiled at me but then her expression morphed into one of concern. “You didn’t answer my texts and this morning, I waited around for you in the courtyard but you never came.” Her voice dropped to a hurt whisper. “We always meet in the courtyard.”
Perfect. Now I could add ‘being a crappy friend’ to the list of why I sucked as a human. I swallowed, the cement from my stomach moving up to lodge itself in my throat. Tears stung my eyes and I shifted my body away from Olivia so she couldn’t see them spill.
“Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?” Olivia’s voice was closer and I glanced down at the ground to see she was standing right next to me.
I parted my lips, hoping something witty would come out, but nothing but a sob escaped.
I was a horrible human being. I wanted to dance. I wanted Ethan. I wanted my mother to be proud of me. I wanted the school to thrive. I wanted to pursue my dreamsbut I wasn’t a glutton for punishment and I had no desire to live in a world filled with rejection and humiliation. I wanted to be a professional dancer and I wanted to not want to dance and I wanted Ethan but I didn’t want to want him and…ugh, I was a mess.
I felt like I was being pulled in so many different directions but no matter which way I choose, someone always ends up getting hurt.
If I chose dancing and Ethan, then it would break my mother’s heart.
If I chose my mother, then Ethan would never look at me like he had last night. But then he’d eventually find someone else. And I’d move on too, just without Ethan and without dancing. And as for Juilliard and the auditions? Well, the dancing world never knew I existed so I doubted they would care if I disappeared.
Olivia wrapped her arms around me and let me sob into her shoulder. All the worries. All the stress that I’d been carrying around for days slipped out. I was broken and hurting. Trying to cover a wound that felt as if it would never heal was killing me inside.
If I was ever going to become whole again, I needed to mourn.
And that’s what I did. I mourned my future with Ethan and my future as a dancer.
Thankfully, I didn’t cry forever even though it felt like I could. A few minutes later,my tears began to dry up and I stepped away from Olivia and into a stall where I grabbed a handful of toilet paper.
Once I was down to just sniffles, I turned and faced Olivia. I forced a smile and shrugged. “Thanks,” I said.
Olivia nodded as she continued to blot at my shirt. Then she sighed as she tossed it to the side. “I’ve got a sweatshirt in my locker you can borrow. Now, are you going to tell me what’s wrong or do I need to spill water on your pants as well?”
I raised my eyebrows as I studied her. From the tilt of her chin and her narrowed eyes, I knew she meant business. So I swallowed and walked over to the mirror where I began dabbing at my face. I looked like a mess, which was perfect.
I was a mess.
I sighed as I ran my hands under the water in front of me. There was something soothing about the shock that came from ice cold water touching your skin. It was waking me up which was nice. I was tired of living in a haze.
