“I will support you in many things, Raffi. But I can’t watch you step onto the ice ever again.” She presses her chest like it’s causing her physical pain before jabbing a finger at my parents. “Tell them about the migraines. About the debilitating headaches that leave you lying in dark rooms. Do they know about the memory loss? That you forgot the first time we met because you got injured in a game?”
She flexes her hand like she’s unsure about whether she’s done gesticulating, or rubbing her chest. “I get wanting to be part of something bigger than yourself. Hell, I’ve spent time with your teammates and even I could be tempted to skate with them because they’re just that kind of group. But Raffi, something you don’t realize about those guys sitting out in those chairs is that they love you regardless of whether you play hockey or not.”
Victoria isn’t even pausing for breath at this point. Nothing is going to stand in her way. “They want you alive just as much as I do, and if that means not lacing up with you for practices and games, given the choice, they’d choose your wellbeing, every single day of the week and twice on Sundays.”
She sniffs, wiping tears from her face with an aggressive hand flap like she’s mad at herself for crying. “They’ll still be your friends if you don’t play. Just like your parents would love you if you don’t go pro. Just like we could figure something else out to enable you to finish outyour degree.”
“But, I…”
She holds a hand up to me, her eyes narrowing in warning. “Excuses. All excuses. You keep forcing yourself to play hockey because you’re afraid of what you are, of what life would be like without it. Maybe? I dunno. But there’s a very real risk that with it, you could end up dead, then you’ll be no use to anyone. Not least of all, our son.”
She slow-shakes her head, disappointment oozing from the simple action. “You have so much more to give in life than just numbers on a scoreboard, Raffi. Know your goddamn worth. You want to be an ASL teacher, be one. You want to translate, do it. You want to start a charity for either ASL or victims of concussion, or mental health in hockey, do that, too. Hell, do it all, you’re capable of so many things, but you don’t seem to look beyond the blinders of the ice, of your responsibility, of not letting down your teammates and your parents. But all the while, letting down the most important person of them all, yourself.”
By the time she’s done, her chest is heaving and she’s breathless. Her tears have left damp marks on her shirt. Both my parents are crying, and Apollo has made his way back into the room.
“She’s right, Raffi. We don’t want to leave our sticks out for you like they’re doing across the hockey community today for the fallen player in the UK.”
Victoria’s face squishes in confusion. “What?”
“In the hockey community, it’s a tradition to place a hockey stick outside your front door to show respect for a player who won’t be returning home.” Apollo’s voice is thick with pain as he speaks. I don’t know what happened, or who he’s talking about, but it’s clearly having an impact on him.
Victoria is still confused, looking at me with pursed lips.
“The thought is that wherever their spirit is heading next, they might need a stick.”
Mom sniffs again, as Victoria wobbles on her feet. Thankfully Apollo catches her and guides her back to her chair.
“That’s so sad.”
Apollo nods, his face grim. “Is that really why you force yourself onto the ice for every game? Because you don’t want to disappoint your parents, and you don’t want to take out a student loan for the rest of your tuition?”
My face is hot. Everyone’s staring at me, but I can’t deny that it’s true. “I looked into financing. I could get a loan, but the repayments, the interest…it would cripple me for years. There’s no way my parents can take on that level of stress.”
My friend, my leader, my captain shakes his head before sitting at the edge of the bed. “Why didn’t you say something sooner?” He doesn’t wait for me to answer. “Pride? We’re your family, hermano. We could have helped. We still can.”
“Already did.” Before I can object, there’s a new voice in the conversation. Ares leans against the doorframe, arms folded, looking every bit as pale and exhausted as his older brother.
“Already did what, Ares?” I pinch the bridge of my nose, hoping it makes the pounding stop for just a minute. This is an important conversation. I need to figure things out,weneed to figure things out, but my brain is turning to goo inside my skull.
“I paid for your tuition last week when I figured out you were being an enormous cabrón.”
Victoria leans toward Apollo. “What does that mean?”
“Technically it means male goat.”
It’s the first time she’s smiled since I opened my eyes, and the knot in my chest relaxes just a touch.
“And I made sure you can stay in the hockey house for the duration of the year.” He doesn’t even look smug when he says all of this. The intensity on his face suggests he’s angry, but theemotion in his voice tells me he just wants to keep me safe. And it’s all I can do not to cry.
“You did?”
He nods. “Took longer than it should have or could have because my girlfriend wouldn’t gossip or tell me anything, and I had to do some digging myself.”
Victoria gives a smirk of approval before saying, “That’s my girl, Ellie Bellie,” under her breath.
“But I handled it. Pollo is right, though, we could have handled it much sooner if you’d just been honest about it and gotten over yourself.”
“I wanted to play.” The words tumble from my lips on a tired sigh. “I really did. I do. Being on the ice is hard to compete with.”
