What was he going to say if she answered? Would he act like everything was normal? Had he even seen that she was there when Cassandra wrapped herself around him like a massive, golden praying mantis?
No. She wouldn’t think badly of Cassandra.Shewasn’t the one who’d done anything wrong. She’d been betrayed even more than Lila because he’d been her boyfriend first.
God, if you could be one of the most beautiful women in the world and men still treated you like that, what hope was there for Lila?
Her phone stopped ringing for a moment, only to start up again.
She couldn’t speak to him. She’d have to be able to string two words together coherently to confront him and that wasn’t easy for her at the best of times. She’d have to try and ask the big question and then deal with the answer. If it was “yes”, she was going to feel like utter garbage and if it was “no”, she’d have to decide whether she thought he was telling the truth or not.
The wind whipped her hair back from her face and the first patters of rain began outside. She stayed on the windowsill, ignoring the beeps on her phone, until she was shivering and couldn’t contain her curiosity any longer. She’d have to look at some point. And what if it was Ruth, in trouble?
Rowan: Are you okay? I need to speak to you.
Rowan: Lila, please answer me.
Rowan: Please, we need to talk.
Well, that all sounded marvellously ominous didn’t it. And vague. He was trying to get hold of her – and not because she was supposed to be on her way over to his villa right now. He hadn’t even referenced that, as though it was a foregone conclusion that there was no way she’d be thinking their pizza date was going ahead.
He definitely knew she’d seen Cassandra. Maybe he needed to get hold of her to make sure she wouldn’t drop him in it with his girlfriend. That she’d keep quiet.
That thought almost made her laugh. She wasalwaysquiet. He couldn’t have picked a better person to have a secret affair with – she was never going to tell anyone. She’dwelcomedthe privacy of it all.Sure, Rowan, I won’t feel disrespected at all if you want to keep things between us private.She hadn’t wanted anyone to know because of the attention it would bring. And of course she wasn’t going to announce that he’d used her for sex to cheat on a woman once voted America’s Sweetheart. That was her worst nightmare.
With shaking fingers, she swiped his messages away and then did something that she knew was stupid, but that also, she couldn’t believe she’d been naive enough to not do a long time ago. She looked them up online: Rowan and Cassandra. And she saw the search results flood in.
She saw the photos at the villa in Italy, with Cassandra leaning over him, her fingers in his hair.
She saw the photos of them sitting close together, cosying up at a candlelit table at a little restaurant.
She saw them standing together in a group of equally beautiful people at a charity gala, all smiles and confidence.
She pressed her hand to her stomach and stumbled past the sofa, letting her cell drop face down on the cushions and leaving it there on her way to the kitchen.
She remembered the way he’d kissed her at his trailer and the memory of his touch throbbed right through the numbness. It wasn’t even that which hurt the most – it was all the things they’d talked about. She’d thought they were baring their souls to each other. She’d been honest with him in a way she’d never been with anyone, and he’d opened up to her too, about things that had made her ache for him. How much could any of that have meant if it was all based on a lie?
Banging through the small bright blue cupboards, she finally found the bottle of wine Ruth had bought the last time she took a turn doing the grocery shopping. Lila needed to feel numb again. Two glasses down and she realised he’d even ruined wine for her. Telling her it was a depressive, as though she wasn’t feeling depressed enough. Reminding her of the day he’d emerged from the sea like a god and told her he didn’t have a girlfriend.
And was really kind to her. So kind.
Was it possible to be that sweet and thoughtful and still be a cheating bastard? She didn’t know. This was the problem with engaging with real people and trying to have relationships when you weren’t equipped – it was like sending a five-year-old to do a day of work at an accountancy firm. They could put on a little suit and carry a briefcase and tip-tap at the computer, but they had no frigging clue what all the numbers really meant. And would probably burst into tears if someone shouted at them.
She dropped her head down on the table with a thump.
Then there was another thump. That wasn’t her. She lifted her head back up and heard it again.Thump, thump,coming from the door.
‘Lila, Lila, are you there? Open up please.’
Her stomach dropped at the sound of Rowan’s voice, calling through the wood and over the top of the rain now drumming hard outside.
She didn’t want to see him. But she couldn’t leave him there. What if Ruth came back and found him on the doorstep shouting for her like something from a Sylvester Stallone movie?
Standing up unsteadily – which she couldn’t even blame on the wine – she tried to breathe. She could do this. She’d just be very calm and matter-of-fact.
Pulling the door open only as far as it needed to be for her to see outside, she found him on the small landing area, the rough stone darkening behind him from the rain and letting off a chalky smell. He was soaked, his T-shirt clinging to him in a very unfair way – like something from an artfully designed magazine spread. In some ways it helped. It reminded her how different they were.
‘Could you leave please. I’m sure you don’t want to air your dirty laundry in public and I’m not letting you in. Ruth could be back any minute.’ She doubted it but it was a possibility if everyone ditched the trip because of the weather.
It struck her as a separate, horrible realisation that she wouldn’t even be able to cry properly on Ruth’s shoulder like she’d offered her the other day. She could tell her about a breakup with “Colin” but no one would know that she was having to look at the ridiculously gorgeous face of the person who’d stomped all over her fragile self-esteem every single day. A weight of loneliness that she hadn’t felt for some time uncurled inside her, like it had just been hibernating, waiting for its time to climb out and wind its cold fingers around all her internal organs. She shivered in her nightclothes, rubbing her arm.
