‘Rowan.’ The tears were sliding down her cheeks again. ‘I love you too. But I’m not sure it’s enough.’
‘It’s enough for me. Tell me what I need to do—’
‘It isn’t you who needs to do anything.’ She swiped at the wetness on her cheeks.
‘Don’t say this is it for us. Please.’
‘I don’t want to. I really don’t want to.’
‘Then don’t. Just…don’t.’
‘But I’m going to keep hurting us both, over and over.’ She swallowed. ‘You should think about that. Do you really want that?’
He was quiet for a long time. ‘I don’t want you to be hurt. If being with me hurts you…’ She heard his voice crack and her heart ached for him and for herself, because now he was actually accepting it. And part of her didn’t want him to, even if it had seemed like it was for the best. She wanted him to be determined like he had been the other day over the misunderstanding about Cassandra. To convince her that she was wrong to doubt them.
But thiswasdifferent. And he was too good a person to pretend it wasn’t.
‘I don’t want us to break up.’ Tears ran over her lips as she spoke. ‘But unless I change, I don’t see how it will work. I want to try but I don’t know how long it will take.’
‘What if I was willing to wait, until you felt ready?’
She pressed her hand against her chest. ‘What if it takes years? I can’t ask you to do that. We’ve only been dating a couple of weeks.’ She laughed a little at the absurdity of it.
He was silent again and she wished she hadn’t laughed. They’d both just said they loved each other. How many dates they’d had hardly mattered. He knew her better than anyone. They’d been building this connection from the moment they met.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. Sorry for the comment and sorry for what she was doing.
‘I’m sorry too.’
They sat there in silence again. ‘One of us needs to hang up first.’
‘I think it needs to be you.’
Was that a punishment or just the truth? She was the one making this decision after all. ‘Okay. Just – one last thing. Remember that your happiness matters too.’
It was his turn to laugh a little – but it was an empty echo of the usual sound. ‘What?’
‘When it comes to what you want to do with your life. You’re not just here to look after everyone else, okay?’
He was quiet and when she heard him take a breath, it was shaky, but she couldn’t let herself think of him crying too. ‘Okay.’
She nodded to herself and made her mouth move even though she didn’t want to. ‘Goodbye, Rowan.’
‘Bye, Lila.’
It took her three attempts to hit the red button on the phone. She let it slide onto the covers and then cried herself back to sleep.
