The sun coming in the window behind him was hot on the back of his neck, but he still felt cold and numb inside. ‘I fell in love with someone…but it’s impossible for me to be with her.’
‘You fell in love?’ She sat back in shock. ‘Who with? This Cassandra model?’
‘No. I told you I wasn’t dating her. That was all just some stupid PR thing Gerrard wanted me to do.’
‘Oh, Rowan…’
‘I know, I know.’ He shook his head and ran a hand roughly through his hair. Ouch. He hadn’t even brushed it today – no wonder he looked a mess. ‘That’s a whole other issue.’
‘You still haven’t told me about this girl. Were you seeing each other?’ She frowned. ‘Is she married to someone else?’
‘Yes, we were seeing each other. No, she’s not married or attached to anyone else. But it’s the fame thing – it’s too much for her.’
‘Why did she start dating you in the first place, then?’ She raised an eyebrow, and he could see she was gearing up to rush to his defence. ‘Surely she knew you were famous?’
‘It’s different when you’re on set.’ Lila’s words came back to him, and he found himself saying them, tasting them like he was repeating a spell, or a curse. ‘It’s like being in a bubble. And we were keeping it private.’
‘So, you work together?’
‘We did. When everything came out about Cassandra and us dating, well – have you seen what people have been saying about all that?’ His mum nodded and he carried on. ‘Having people talk about her that way, it really hurt her. It didn’t happen that way and she wasn’t the other woman.’ He slumped forward, leaning his forehead on the heel of his hand. ‘She was the only one.’
‘Oh, sweetheart. I’m sorry.’
‘She loves me too, she told me, but I can’t magic the fame away.’
His mum sighed. ‘Then it’s up to her really, isn’t it?’
‘She’s got social anxiety – she worries about people’s opinions and being around them. It’s a real struggle for her.’ He twisted his chin slightly, so he could see her but was still resting on his hand – the effort of holding his body upright suddenly felt too much. ‘I just wish I could help her. I hate thinking of her suffering. I want to be there for her, but she won’t let me. And it makes sense of course, because my presence only makes everything worse. But I’m going crazy because I need to do something about it and there isliterallynothing I can think of that I can do. What do I do?’
‘Oh, Lord, Rowan. I’m no expert on relationships. You of all people should know that. What can I tell you? I suppose the only thing I can say is that if she has demons she needs to deal with and that’s why she’s broken it off, then she’s doing you a kindness isn’t she? She’s not asking you to change your life for her. And she’s not asking you to watch her suffer. It’s a dreadful thing to watch someone you love struggle and not be able to help them.’
Rowan didn’t really feel like that helped. Knowing that he would make Lila’s struggle harder made him feel awful.
Knowing that she loved him and wanted to spare him from her struggles made him feel awful.
And none of it made him want to be with her any less.
His throat ached and he let it. He didn’t bother to try to fight back the tears or the anger or grief, he just let it wash over him as he sat there, breathing through it – because what other option was there? And when it was a little easier to breathe, his mind decided to drop him another doozy.
‘Are you talking about Dad?’ His voice came out rough and incredulous. ‘Are you talking about watchinghimsuffer?’
‘He was an alcoholic, Rowan.’ Her voice was small and tight. ‘That’s a mental illness and a physical addiction. Of course he suffered. He lost himself.’
‘And what about what we lost? What about what hedidto us?’
‘It’s over now…’
‘Is it though? Is there nothing about those years that affects you now?’
‘What’s this all about?’ His mum got up and took over making the tea, banging about in his cupboards as though that would be noise enough to drown him out.
He didn’t want to hurt his mum by making her talk about it, and he knew he was feeling a deadly cocktail of frustration and sadness and exhaustion. He wasn’t thinking straight, but one thing he had realised recently was that ignoring the past didn’t make it go away.
‘D’you remember when I was younger, Mum? When you’d tell me off for staying up all night playing Xbox or watching films into the early hours of the night?’
‘Sometimes. Teenagers do have a different body clock.’
‘I’m still like that.’
