15/12/25 14:03 Fern: Cannot stop thinking about last night.
03/01/26 10:16 Fern: Bad news for hot dogs, I just woke up.
03/01/26 20:46 Fern: Megs wanted to go the plant-based food festival in Bristol. I ate 11 vegan hot dogs. After the fourth one, I couldn’t even tell any more. Anyway, new hot dog PB for me. Might need to remortgage my house, though.
13/01/26 22:19 Fern: Following your recommendation, I am watchingThe Matrix. Did you know it came out the year my sister was born?It’s fucking banging. The soundtrack!!! Also, I pretty much want to fuck everyone in this movie.
18/01/26 11:31 Fern: I’m all by myself playing with my ding-a-ling thinking about you.
20/01/26 09:20 Fern: Good morning, princess. Did you see the northern lights last night?
02/02/26 13:55 Fern: I’m in the park with Megs and I just met another whippet. It was called Mister Edmonton! The dog was called Mister Edmonton! I’m pretty sure it’s the reincarnated spirit of my geography teacher who died when I was in year ten.
06/02/26 14:14 Fern: Do you want to come over and watch a movie? Just as friends. We don’t have to fuck. Unless you want to.
27/02/26 19:49 Fern: I’m going to see Logan this weekend. I’ll send you lots of pics. We’re gonna go to the aquarium.
02/03/26 11:45 Fern: OMG it’s sunny for once.
05/03/26 12:53 Fern: Look at my kid’s world book day costume.
14/03/26 08:23 Fern: Happy birthday, princess. Wanna cum on my face later?
25/03/26 19:11 Fern: I just had a grilled cheese sandwich that was bigger than my thigh.
02/04/26 15:30 Fern: Are you planning on going to Snatch’s birthday drinks? I’m not going if you’re not.
09/04/26 08:48 Fern: Just bashed one out thinking about your perfect little hole.
23/04/26 18:22 Fern: My thighs are still fucking jelly from last night.
23/04/26 18:59 Fern: Found this for Trekkie. Had to buy it.
04/06/26 10:02 Fern: Good morning, light of my life. I hope you have a lush day today at the giant old house. Bring me back something from the National Trust gift shop.
16/06/26 15:17 Fern: Look at this really cute bird I saw today.
09/07/26 18:34 Fern: I can’t believe I won’t see you for six weeks. You’re welcome to come to Cornwall any time you want.
24/07/26 17:22 Fern: There’s this flower here. I have no idea what it’s called, but it’s the exact same colour as your eyes. Looks shit in the picture, sorry.
07/08/26 09:19 Fern: Have a safe flight. Text me as soon as you have Wi-Fi and then message me at least once per hour so I know you’re OK and haven’t murdered your horrid relatives.
09/08/26 14:57 Fern: Is your sister there?
13/08/26 13:42 Fern: I’m having a pasty on the beach and I keep thinking about that time you forced me to endure frostbite.
17/08/26 18:04 Fern: I really wish you could come here again.
25/08/26 21:57 Fern: This place is so fucking beautiful. Look at this sunset.
31/08/26 09:35 Fern: Yay, it’s September tomorrow and I get to see your beautiful face.
31/08/26 19:18 Fern: I’m gonna need you to fuck me so hard that my life flashes before my eyes. Fuck me until the heartbeat monitor on my watch registers me as legally dead for a few seconds. Fuck me so fucking hard that I travel back in time, visit myself as a teenager, and warn him about this moment in his future.
02/09/26 11:12 Fern: Holy shit!!!!
02/09/26 11:13 Fern: I’ve had Carolina Reaper curries that have done less damage to my hole. Bravo.
