“Um. It’s a difficult question for me to answer,” I say truthfully, looking up. I catch Magnar’s eye, and he must see my distress, because he hurries to us at once. Nisha turns in my lap to embrace him, and he sits by my side, pulling her into his lap.
“Are you okay?” he asks, dropping a soft kiss on my brow.
“No.” I smile with difficulty, but being able to tell him the truth is freeing, and some of the numb coldness drains from my limbs. “Um, Nisha, would you ask Daddy what you asked me? I think he’ll know the right answer.”
She watches me closely, then turns to Magnar and repeats her question. He stills, giving me a quick, sharp look, and I know he understands my reaction and is worried, just like me.
“Has someone entrusted you with a secret, Nish?” he asks after a moment, his voice perfectly composed.
“Yes. It’s important.”
I hide my hand in the skirts of my dress and clench it, grounding myself with the pain of nails digging into my skin. Magnar smiles, and if I didn’t know him so well, I wouldn’t notice the hidden tension around his eyes or the watchfulness brewing in their silver depths.
“I understand. But it’s also important to keep people from hurting, wouldn’t you agree? If a secret is hurting someone, Ithink the best choice is always to reveal it so the hurting person can be helped. But that’s what I would choose. What do you think, Nish? You get to decide for yourself.”
Oh gods, I want to claw at them both and demand my daughter spill the names of all the people who made her keep secrets so I can execute them one by one. I won’t even ask Raduna, I’ll just slit their throats myself and watch life gurgle out of their bodies.
My breath comes fast and shallow, my fury and fear mixing into a hot, livid mess in my chest. The only thing that keeps me under control is Magnar’s cool gaze holding mine long enough to communicate his intent without words.
Trust me.
“I mean, I don’t want her to hurt,” Nisha says slowly, putting her thoughts in order out loud. “And I know how to help her, and—and I think I did something wrong. I didn’t really think it was wrong before. Um. Will you promise not to take away dessert if I tell?”
“I promise,” I say at once, barely controlling my voice. “No punishment for you, whatever it is.”
Magnar sighs and nods his acquiescence, and Nisha plays with strands of his long hair, thinking it through. I am so tense, I’m ready to explode and slaughter half my court with my measly little knife, but I force myself to wait. At last, my daughter nods.
“Grandma showed me the brooch and all the other parts of Grandpa. She told me to keep it a secret, but you said she’s ill. I hope she won’t be angry I told you.”
“I’ll strangle her,” I hiss under my breath, all my fury honing into a sharp edge aimed at Idrina.
Nisha looks up at me, startled, and I force myself to take a deep breath and smile.
“Oh, but Grandma didn’t do anything wrong,” she says, looking contrite. “I did. I… I have her brooch. I wanted… I wanted to meet Grandpa, but he hasn’t come out yet.”
That surprises me enough to break my litany of violent thoughts. “What do you mean?”
“Grandma said she feels he’s close when she holds the brooch,” Nisha explains seriously. “I thought he’d come to visit me, too. I keep it under my pillow.”
Suddenly, I want to howl with laughter. Relief hits me with the force of a siege hammer, and I shake in my seat, swallowing reckless sobs of hysteria. Magnar looks at me, then at Nisha, who fidgets anxiously in his lap, and motions Khay over.
“Nish, you’ll get your dessert after supper as promised,” he says. “But we have to give Grandma her brooch back, all right? Let’s do it now.”
They leave, and Khay sits down by my side. One look at my face tells him enough, and he folds me into his embrace. I wait until I’m sure Magnar and Nisha are out of earshot, then release all those sobs, howls, and pent-up tension. Khay curses under his breath and pulls me into his lap, and I think I soak his shirt right through with tears and snot, but he doesn’t complain, just holds me closer.
Once I’m calm, he strokes my hair soothingly, and I hover in a numb, cool, but not unpleasant space, where everything feels detached and meaningless. All my will to live went right out with the hate and fear, but it will be back, I know. This has happened a few times before. I’ll be fine.
“What was it?” he asks quietly, pulling me closer when I slide down his lap.
“Keeping secrets.” I smile ruefully, my voice hoarse but steady. “I didn’t think… I thought I was past this, Khay. But when Nish said someone told her to keep a secret, I just… I could barely sit there. All I wanted to do was kill them all.”
Khay huffs with amusement. “Of course. You’re an Agnidari queen, my lady. Slaughtering those who hurt your children is your prerogative. But she wasn’t really hurt, was she? BecauseMagnar was calm, and if something bad happened, he’d slaughter people right with you.”
“She’s fine. It’s just… a silly thing, you know? I feel so stupid. My reaction was exaggerated.”
He sighs with something like exasperation. “It’s not stupid. Sure, the thing right now was stupid, but it wasn’t really about it, was it? You suffered because of something very not stupid from the past. So don’t talk like that.”
Raduna and Arvi, who were picking peaches in another greenhouse, come in. As soon as they see us, they drop their baskets and surround us, their arms closing around me and Khay. I sigh and let go of everything, letting my knights hold me, and all the nightmares crawl back into their holes, a little smaller, a bit more subdued.
