Maybe both.
Like her therapy bullshit was actually working and giving herself hope.
The door swung open, and just as I suspected, Rachel was on the other side. Her brimming smile was ear to ear waiting for me, warm greeting and all.
“Welcome, Lennon! I’m so happy to see you on this September first. Your hair looks great, by the way!” she complimented.
My eyes widened as I deflected the compliment, “Wow, September already, huh? Fall’s coming—when it’s finally okay for things to die and still be beautiful.”
Unease slighted her features, though her warmth didn’t fade. She motioned me inside her office, and I followed suit.
She settled into her chair. The perfect accent chair for anyone’s modern, cozy living room. She turned to me. “So, Lennon. We have some news.”
I looked up at her, concerned that her news wouldn’t be news I’d want to hear. That I had messed something up. That they were going to form me again.
Sitting down cautiously, while trying my best to hide my insecurities, I asked, “Okay. What is it?”
Rachel studied me. “Before we get into any of that, are you still wanting to proceed with your application?”
Taken aback by her question, I glared at her. “Of course I am. Why would you even ask me that?”
She lifted her hand softly to ease my nerves. “I just wanted to make sure. This is a serious…choice. A choice that is yours, but I didn’t want to share information that might seal your decision if you were on the fence.”
Confusion must have flooded my face, because Rachel decided to ease the curiosity in the room. “You’ve been approved.”
My heart sank into my stomach as my peripheral vision blackened. There was a siren ringing inside my eardrum. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that Rachel just gave me the news I’ve been waiting my whole life to hear.
“I—I was approved? Really? Like, no joke? This is real life, right?” I asked, nervous for it to be taken away.
Rachel nodded slowly, a sombre emotion washing over her features. “This is real life, Lennon. I know your sense of humour has a dark edge to it, but even this one would have been a little too dark for me to joke about. Your tentative date is October sixteenth.”
The word tentative caught me off guard. “What do you meantentative?”
“It’s just logistics. Ensuring that you complete your group counselling, continue with therapy, medication, etc. But the date is yours so long as you complete all of those tasks. I assume you plan to continue?” Rachel asked cautiously.
I nodded. “Yeah, I am. Rachel, you don’t understand what this means to me.”
For a moment, everything felt like it was finally working out for me. Death didn’t feel so lonely when I began to near the end. I was approaching it as if I was on the home stretch of the highway. I could see it. I could feel it. I could taste it on my tongue. Then I noticed Rachel’s eyes, snapping me out of the euphoria I was overcome with.
Rachel allowed a slight quirk on her lip to move, but it was the well in her eyes that caught me off guard.
“Rachel, I know I haven’t been easy to hang out with these past several years—”
Rachel shook her head before I could finish my sentence, and raised her hand to interject. “Lennon, you have been an immense pleasure to get to know. I hoped to continue to get to know you for several more years; however, I know deep down this is what you want. I just want you to know that you have never been a burden, nor have you ever been someone I have not enjoyed speaking to. You have a light inside you that I wish you could see. I wish it would just burn a little brighter for you to find.”
Rachel stood, clearing her throat, the knot swelling inside of her evident. “Unless you have anything you’d like to discuss, I know you have group therapy today. I think it would be okay to allow therapy to cut short today.”
Guilt settled heavy on my heart, recognizing that I was hurting her. I was hurting Rachel. I stood up, matching her energy, but something inside of me felt compelled to embrace her. To comfort her.
I stepped forward and embraced Rachel. We’d never hugged or even touched one another. Rachel was respectful of my boundaries. But in this very moment, it felt peaceful—earned. A matched, quiet respect.
As I held her close, she wrapped her arms around me in return and squeezed tightly. I stood grateful—tears welling—as Rachel’s aura was sombre. We were two sides of the same coin. The consequences of a life soon to be lost.
After what felt like an eternity, we pulled apart. Rachel grasped my shoulders. “I look forward to seeing you at our next session, Lennon.”
I left shortly after, unable to look directly in her eyes for fear that I might stupidly change my mind. I didn’t enjoy disappointing her, but I knew my time was up. This session was difficult and beautiful all on its own. I couldn’t imagine how our last session would feel.
Maybe I’d grab a bottle of champagne to make it feel more celebratory that I completed some programming for once in my life? I shook my head, realizing Rachel wouldn’t appreciate that type of dark humour.
