Then I froze, dead in my tracks.
Asher.
How the fuck was I going to tell Asher?
I knew he knew. I also knew he had expected this day to come eventually—but I wasn’t so sure he was ready for it. I had always been under the impression he believed the time we spent together would outweigh any ill emotions I carried through life. And while that was partially true, my deep urge to check out was still stronger. It would always be stronger.
I stepped outside, inhaling the breeze as it danced through my hair. The day was as good as any to be labelled the best day ever. I felt lighter—content, and dare I say, happy. Something deep within me stirred, a reckless urge to run all the way home just to share the news with Asher.
But I couldn’t.
He wouldn’t understand. He would be upset. He would want me to change my mind.
Then a small part of me—an unfamiliar inkling of an emotion—felt a pang of sadness at the thought of the end coming. The time I had spent with Asher had been a refreshing shift in my circumstances, one I hadn’t seen coming.
What if there were more surprises waiting for me?
What if Asher had a lifelong plan to make everything in my life better?
Another thought stopped me dead in my tracks.
Asher wasn’t going to live forever. He was sick. Terminal. His time was limited—just as mine was. The only difference was that he didn’t have a choice in the matter. He was destined for death sooner than expected.
And I, on the other hand, chose it.
This was what was best. Maybe I would be put out of my misery before he was, spared the agony of living even one day without him.
Then another dreadful thought crept in.
I knew I wouldn’t be so lucky.
Asher
Lennon and I left the group session both seemingly floating on air. Her session with Rachel must have gone well earlier. There was a calmer aura around her the second she opened the apartment door, like a heavy piece of baggage was lifted straight from her shoulders. In that moment, I realized how grateful I was that she was going to therapy at all.
It had to work. She had to change her mind eventually. I didn’t want to tell her, but loving her went hand in hand with wanting her desire to live to grow. It was wishful thinking—I knew that—but I couldn’t relinquish the thought that maybe, just maybe, it would work.
The air floating around us was warm, and though fall was creeping in, it was still acceptable to be outside in summer clothes.
“Want to hit up a bucket list item tonight?” I asked on a whim.
She chuckled, like she’d expected the question. “What did you have in mind?”
I quirked my mouth and stared up at the sky, pretending I didn’t already have an answer already prepared.
“We’re going camping, babe.”
Lennon burst out laughing, apparently under the impression that I was a comedian. “What’s so funny?”
She stopped short in her tracks and eyed me. “Babe? Camping? Sheesh. Do I look like the rugged, granola girlfriend type?”
She had me there. She wasn’t exactly the rugged, outdoorsy type. But I’d never been camping either—and it was on the list.
“I know it isn’t your thing, but it’s on the list. And, well, I’ve never been ca—”
“WHAT?!” she cut in, shocked.
I stopped and turned to her. “I’ve never been camping. Is that unusual?”
