“Asher!” I exclaimed.
He was drowning—metaphorically.
I pulled him inside without hesitation, wrapping my arms around him. Every ounce of anger drained from me at the sight of him. Cold water seeped through my clothes, immediate goosebumps erupting across my skin.
“I don’t want to finish the bucket list,” he muttered into my neck.
I almost didn’t hear what he’d said, but my brain began connecting the dots until it clicked into place.
I pulled away. “What do you mean, Asher?”
He shook his head, trying to keep the tears at bay.
My voice croaked, much harsher the second time. “What do you mean by that?”
Panic clawed at my throat. I couldn’t fail this. I couldn’t postpone my date. I couldn’t stretch the timeline. I rummaged through my brain for a pivot—something that would change his mind. Change his mind without manipulating him. Without lying to him.
He didn’t deserve lies.
But I didn’t deserve for my partner to quit on me, either.
We were at a crossroads.
“Please, Asher. Please don’t quit on me. I never knew how much I needed you—”
He pulled away from my pleas sharply.
“You didn’t know how much you needed me until you figured I was the key to your death? Fuck, Lennon. How do you think that makes me feel? Honestly?”
Agony was laced around every word.
“I know it’s a lot, Asher, I do,” I began.
“No. You don’t. No you don’t.” He ran an anxious hand through his short hair. “You have no idea what it’s like to be crazy about someone, and also be the one delaying whether or not they die. I don’t want you to go. I fucking know you can workthrough this. I know you can. I know how strong you are. How stubborn you are. Just…stay.”
A stray tear fell down my cheek. “You don’t understand.”
“Then make me understand. Make me understand until I can take the fucking weight off of your shoulders. We’ve been back and forth on this battle, Lennon, and I know you feel the same about me. I know you can survive this. I know it in my soul. I’ve seen you. But how about you kill yourself by loving me? Give me all that energy you give to death. Give me everything, and I promise, I’ll make it worthwhile. After all, what would the harm be?”
His pleas were passionate. Caring. Meaningful.
But they were also naïve. Unknowing and one-sided.
He couldn’t honestly know the pain rooted in my bones. He couldn’t know what all those before him had done to me. Shaking my head, I whispered, “I can’t tell you. I can’t say it out loud, but I can feel them every time I rest. I can feel their fingers digging into me when I try to sleep at night. I hear their grunts when I’m alone. I can fucking feel how helpless I was for all that fucking time. Asher, it wasn’t just one instance, it wasyears. Years of living painful nightmares, now carved into who I am today, who I am now. I don’t want this anymore. And if you could feel this pain for me, you wouldn’t want it for me, either.”
Asher slumped his head.
He was defeated. He knew he couldn’t change my mind. It had already been made up. Which meant it was my time to beg him. Even if it was shitty of me, now would be the time to use him at his disadvantage.
“So, please, babe,” I said confidently, knowing it would touch his soul. “Please. Just do this bucket list with me. I don’t want my date pushed forward, but I’m willing to re-evaluate every day with you.”
The heartbreak spread across his face, settled into his posture, and then utilized his emotions. He was spent. I felt it.
Nodding, he quietly said, “You mean everything, Lennon. The world doesn’t spin on its axis if you’re not in it.”
“I’m willing to re-evaluate each day with you,” I repeated. “Please say that’s enough for you, because it’s all I can offer that is real and not bullshit. It’s the most genuine compromise you’ll get from me.”
I closed the space between us. “For me. Be with me. If nothing else persuades you, just be with me. I’ve missed you.”
