A tear threatened to make an appearance. I nodded and turned away quickly.
The moment the door clicked behind me, I ran up the flight of stairs taking two at a time, running until I reached my door. I closed it. Safely inside. As I slid to the ground, perched up against the door, a cautious head peeked out from around the couch at me.
“Hi, baby Nova,” I cooed.
Tears fell freely down my face. It was time now, but seeing Nova made it that much more difficult.
She’d been a shy dog, but always cuddled when she sensed sadness. She’d had a short life of tragedy, too. But Asher wouldcare for her. He was good. He wouldn’t let her go back to the shelter.
I petted her as I stood up, making my way toward the bathroom. In the event of an emergency, I kept a stash of narcotics in the back of the toilet, enough to take down an elephant.
Collected over time. Some were likely dull, but some were fresh.
I would take them all. Just in case.
Just to be sure. I didn’t want any takebacks.
I grabbed my stash and headed to the bedroom. I wanted to go in peace. I felt peace deep within, like I was coming home. But oddly beneath that, I also felt rushed. Like at any minute someone would catch me or the universe would strike me down for my attempt and banish me to some bunker where I wouldn’t be able to make this attempt ever again.
In my bedroom, I curled up underneath the covers. I reached for the glass of water on the stand. Asher would be coming soon or as early as tomorrow. Someone would find me and they’d take Nova. She would be okay. She had to be okay.
Fuck, I didn’t want Asher to find me. It would be him, though. I knew it would be him.
I closed my eyes, pushing myself to stop being selfish. I needed to let him go. I needed to let Nova go. I needed to stop gripping onto this life as if I had something to hold onto.
I took a handful of the pills, tossed them in my mouth, and gulped back a slug of water. I grabbed another handful of pills and slammed the rest back with more water.
Whatever was in me now, there was no going back. I banked on it being enough.
What if I was just drowsy, and it didn’t work?
What if I paralyzed myself for the rest of my days?
What if it wasn’t enough?
What ifsran rampant in my mind until moments passed and I felt—light. My brain kicked out any unwanted thoughts, allowing me to feel like I was floating.
I was floating, I think.
My body was weightlessly airborne now.
I placed my hand over my stomach, the fabric of the hoodie feeling like butter. It was difficult to keep my eyes open now. I attempted to reach for the glass of water that sat on my nightstand with a very urgent need to consume something liquid.
I couldn’t make contact. I shifted my body on its side to reach even further which sent me into a nauseated state. The room spun violently.What was that screeching?
I made one more attempt to open my eyes, and found Nova standing over top of me whining.
My eyes were so heavy I couldn’t bear to keep them open any longer. I tried to reach with my other hand to Nova so I could pet her softly. An attempt to ease her. It was no use, I couldn’t lift my arms. A crash by the side of the bed startled me.
Probably the glass I wanted.
Fuck. I needed—
I wanted—
Another crash came from the living room.
All I could see was white noise.
