There was good music and food besides raw fish wrapped in herbs, and the wine was just as delicious as everyone made it out to be when the cask was being rolled in.The teasing Fell received seemed to be endless, until the sun set, and the world was brown and gold from the flickering of braziers and his whole mood changed.He sat still, staring at his cup.Everyone continued the festivity, but moved around him, so gently, so apologetically—“I am just reaching for the horse radish.”Or “I am only passing by, do not move.No need.”I could tell everyone else was aware of his mood too, but choosing very deliberately not to address it, which was most unlike King Arik’s court.
The strongest reaction his brooding received was King Arik resting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it before returning to his seat at the table.
He is not happy, I thought many times.He hates me now.
Not too long after that, Fell got up and left the party he had insisted on having.
I stood, thinking to go after him, but King Arik’s voice rumbled.“Leave him, Gentlewoman.”
“He is not well, I think.”
“No, he is not.But he will be.Leave him.Sit.Eat more.”
“I could not fit another bite within me.”
“But I am king, and there is no way Fell did not name you Norsen amid all of this, which means you are required to listen to me now.”He held up a radish-wrapped piece of fish.“This child must be strong, you understand?You will see Ivar daily.I have two soup-sisters for you?—”
I begrudgingly took the fish, chewed, and forced myself to swallow.“Two what?”
“They will guard a cauldron for you in the kitchen.They will have bone soup ready for you at all hours....Hallbjern!Come.Feed her.”
King Arik was a little unlike himself that night, slightly frantic in his movements.
Hallbjern came and fed me.I felt sick.
“Do not look so sour about it, Gentlewoman.This child will be perfectly healthy, understand?It must be.Think healthy thoughts, think of tall green pines and red cheeks on a fresh day.”
I glared at him, and he laughed.“You are the one with an open door inside you, Gentlewoman.This is not my doing.”
In my mood, I attacked the one thing I could think of attacking.“You were going to exchange me for a trade agreement?”
King Arik snorted.“It was one of eight options that I no longer have.”He took a long drink, some of the wine spilling into his beard.“This is the way ofskael…” He almost seemed to be talking to himself.“Oh!You will need tiger-berries!I will request them…” He was up, taking drunken, lumbering steps toward whoever it was he requested fruit from, leaving me and Jorn sitting in silence as the court roared around us.
Jorn leaned over to me and whispered into my ear.“The king will take this as a sign.He will interpret it one of three ways.Before the child is born, you may want to go into Arik’s room.The one he has forbidden you.There are things you should know before you consider living permanently here in court.”
Twenty-Eight
Fell didn’t return for a day and a half.
I was a complete disaster by the time I saw him, having mulled over my situation to near insanity and having come to the same conclusion I had without any thought: I wished I was not opening the door, but any approach to close it I also did not wish for.I wished to be able to go home—to see Dayne again, my father, and the hound that always lay at his feet, the little ones.But I also wished to stay in the Land of the Northernmost Star forever, to be with Fell and to be the person I was there, choosing the course of my days, devoting myself to music.I felt the need to cry, but no tears came.And my breasts were so itchy I wanted to scream.Apparently, this was entirely normal for a woman in my state.
I had hidden in the music library, thinking to tuck my mind neatly between long stretches of song, but I’d scarcely started playing before I heard Fell’s absent-minded humming as he approached.Perhaps he was looking for me, perhaps he was seeking a tune.Either way, when he walked in, I set my lyre down, glared at him, and said, “Where were you?”
He tilted his head to the side as he smiled, but it was hisI’m-actually-annoyed-smilewhich I was only learning to recognize.“I am allowed to go places,” he said.
I felt like vomiting fire.“Of course, but you asked the king to throwusa party, and then you left, and I was there alone, eating fish all night, and Jorn was being cryptic…”
A hint of his real smile appeared, and he said, quite teasingly, “Of all the words you could pick, you continuously choose that one.”
I couldn’t say:I felt abandoned by you, and it has made me achingly miserablebecause I had difficulty implying someone else had done wrong back then.Instead, I said, “I have made you unhappy,” and my voice cracked as I said it.
He shook his head, his blue eyes flooding with water.“No… my memory has made me unhappy.My luck… it lifts me and drops me and lifts me and drops me… I have my time with you, yes, and we have done a daring thing—opening a door so young, so quickly after meeting—only I keep thinking of my mother… She is not living, but I know from my friends… a mother loves when their children have children.She has missed it.”
My stomach clenched.‘My mother took it, yet I am here.’He’d said it lightly, just as he’d said she was dead so lightly, like the words were feathers rather than stinging truths.“Ugh, I am terrible and impatient.”
“Ha!You arevaneurigk,and you are allowed to be any way you want.”That terrible grin.
He came close and set his hands on me, and I forgave him instantly.
