There was a moment of awkwardness between us.I knew a lot about this man because Dania had told me a lot, buthedidn’t know what I knew.“Dania is my favourite wombed being in all the realm,” I said.“You must stay home with her for a long while.”
He smiled.“I expect we shall be good friends then.She is also my favourite wombed being.”But then his smile faded and his lips moved a little on his face before he spoke again.“How is Fell?”
“Well, I think.”But as the words were coming out of my mouth, I doubted them.Entirely.He hadn’t been as light as usual, and I’d been in my own storm of emotion and confusion… so I hadn’t fully noticed.Indeed, the more I thought on it, the less certain I was…
Eggun cleared his throat.“I know we have only just met, but I have known Fell for years.If you need help with him or?—”
“Why would I need help with him?”
“Because… he did seem to be faring well, but it was not so long ago that he was not.”
Were we talking about an illness or something else?I was using a second language andwellcould mean many things.
“You do not know what I am speaking of,” Eggun said, his brows raising.
And I stood there feeling stupid.
“It is his story to tell, but maybe he cannot?He had a woman in his life before you—Jura—she raided with us.She was older than him… or maybe that does not matter.She becamevaneurigk.But she did not survive it.The child lived for three days only.”
My jaw bones seemed to twist inside my face.“Thank you for telling me this,” I said.
I turned around and left without any proper goodbye, weaving through the crowd, turning without thinking about which alley I was turning down, knowing only that I was going in the right direction.
I entered the palace and asked each person I saw, “Have you seen Fell?”“Where is Fell?”
“Temple,” Eydis answered me finally.“Vaneurim’s.”
Fell had said that much earlier in the day.He’d said we were going together…
“Where is that?Take me there, please.”
Thirty-Four
Vaneurim’s temple was not so much a temple as I had been envisioning.It was a cave with the stone around the opening carved to look like pillars that blended into the rock face.It was dark by the time Eydis and I stood outside it.My heart burned, and I was frozen for a heartbeat with fear.Afraid to enter.Afraid to be furious with Fell for keeping such an important secret from me.Afraid to see Fell, to know by the look in his eyes how little I’d been protecting him.How much he’d been aching in silence.Aching with a smile on his face.
“I should like to go in alone,” I said, my voice barely a whisper, the wind tugging the clematis vines hanging around the cave’s mouth.A few early blooms fluttered in the breeze, giving the whole moment a ghostly feeling.
Eydis nodded.“Will you be able to find your way back alone?”
It was a fair concern, we’d exited the palace on the northern side and wandered along the beach, taking sand paths between the rocks further from the shore.
“I will stay as long as Fell is staying,” I said.
Eydis nodded again.“Yorunn is witness,” she said, which I didn’t understand at all back then.
I took a slow breath and entered the cave, expecting darkness, but finding after a few steps there was light coming from within.Torches were set into the walls.Candles anywhere there were ledges—half of them burnt to smoking stumps, but many tall and burning brightly, the wind tousling their flames.
After a few more steps, the cave curved slightly, and I could see Fell.
He lounged in the dim light amid the swirls of incense smoke—sweet grass and cedar.Any anger I had with him for keeping such a big secret fled.
I rushed to him and knelt, entirely unsure if I was about to burst into tears or not.“I have been told of your…” I almost choked.I knew no words for it.“Sorrow.Jura and…” I couldn’t even say it.
The corners of his mouth lifted slightly.“I did not mean to keep secrets only… at first we did not know each other well, and then you werevaneruigkand sad stories are not good forvaneurigk.Especially not ones about birth going poorly.I kept thinking, ah, now I will tell her.But…”
Would I scream?Would I tear my clothing?Would I chew on my own hair?What does the body do when it hears such a horrible tale?When it looks into the eyes of someone so good and easy and gentle who has been made to suffer so much?
He laughed his tragic laugh—the one he saved for just these kinds of moments.“I am faring better than I would have guessed if you had told me I would open another door so soon.”
