But then he cried.And because he was crying and I was pregnant, I was also crying.
When the incense had burnt to nothing, and our bodies had released all the tears we had, Fell said, “She chose to go with her mother instead of staying here with me.I think this was right of her.But I do not want her thinking I am trying to replace her.”
There was a sculpture of Vaneurim behind him—the carved woman had been watching us the entire time we sat crying.My next thought went to her and to my womb with so much force it felt like it was King Arik’s voice, not my own.This must be a boy, then.It would be easier for Fell to have a son.So that is what I would hold the door open for.
We made our way back to the palace in the middle of the night.It had been one of the longest days of my life—the sort of days only mothers can truly understand, so full of tasks of great importance, moments of life-altering pain and shift, that they cannot be articulated entirely.We were exhausted and didn’t wash or change our clothing, but crawled into Fell’s bedding having only taken off our boots.
I dreamt we were on the shore, lying wrapped around each other.
The sea seeped up onto the sand, soaking our clothes and tugging at Fell when it slunk back to the ocean.
He did nothing to resist its pull, and each time a wave washed onto the beach, it dragged him farther out to sea, farther away from me, until I was entirely alone.
Thirty-Five
As the days passed, I clung to Fell, and he clung to me, and we were almost always together.
Fell would have moments of, as he called it, “sinking,”where he’d want to go somewhere to be still and quiet.Rowan was struggling with everything, and though we visited him often, much of his pain couldn’t be eased by anything other than time.There were nights when I would have terrible dreams and wake and spend the darkest hours of evening fretting over whether Dayne would understand my letter, whether Grainkeeper Loric would trust my brother and leave the north be.I tried arguing with King Arik two or three times, chastising him for not telling me about Fell’s past, for not telling me that raiders had set sail in the direction of my home.He refused to argue with me, given my pregnancy, but spoke so compassionately about Fell’s suffering that I couldn’t remain angry with him for long.
Despite these difficulties, there was also sweetness I can recall with vivid clarity.Dania’s boys listening to my stomach and whispering whenever they were near me because the baby might be sleeping, and they didn’t want to wake him.Swimming for the first time in the sea with Fell’s arms around me, the cold cutting into me, but also cleaning me.The way the waves urged us to shore, the way our kisses tasted like salt and wind.Dania’s constant teasing that I was Norsern now, so I ought to mark my skin to prove it.“It can be somewhere secret, beneath the breast, on your ribs… the marks give you power—you are soon to be a mother.You’ll want all the power you can get.”And Fell’s taunting smile that said he liked the idea but wouldn’t press me on it.
Then came the late afternoon—a little more than two moons after I’d sent my letter—when deep, heart-filled music was thrumming, and the braziers were roaring, and drink was reddening everyone’s faces, that Ivar walked past me in the hall and stopped.He took several steps back and turned with performative exaggeration.
“She can cast now; can you feel it?”
“I have always felt it,” is what Fell said.
I rolled my eyes.“No one is allowed to talk about me or what I can do or what I cannot do for the rest of the evening.”I felt swollen from my neck to my toes and was tired of people commenting on how changed my appearance was.
“You can feel it?”King Arik said.He’d been all the way across the hall whispering with Jorn, but his attention had caught on our conversation instantly, and his voice travelled like none I have since encountered.I knew by his look we would be experimenting before the day was done.
But if I hadn’t known, Fell still would have.“Look now, Ivar.See what you have done?You have given him crazy eyes.”
Arik’s eyes were indeed aflame.
“Uhh… it does not work if she does not believe it,” Ivar said.“So maybe?—”
The king couldn’t be disemboldened so easily.He slapped his thigh.“Perhaps this is what has changed!You may have sensed she now believes enough?—”
“I do not,” I said.But I felt the corners of my mouth lifting because there was something adorable in King Arik’s eagerness, especially when Fell was near.Fell was finding him charming, so I was too.“But I will attempt it—once—if you promise to stop looking at me like that.”
“Ha!”King Arik clapped.“To the wrestling hall!Come Jorn!Hallbjern, pick someone to roll with.”
An entire party of courtiers—many drunk, a few singing loudly, one singing particularly poorly—made their merry way to the wrestling hall where King Arik sat next to me as raiders hurriedly lit more braziers.
“Now, Gentlewoman, every person casts differently.It has to do with feeling—with how power exists within you—it could be a rush, a whisper, a flicker… You must concentrate.Remember feeling powerful and then transfer that feeling to whoever Hallbjern is fighting.Lend them your strength.Imagine it moving from you to them, however you imagine it would move.”
He then stared at me as Hallbjern smothered a guard everyone called Bluey because of his finger, which was more blackish-purple than blue.Apparently, he’d fallen asleep with a string tied tight around it, and it had died but not fallen off.
I performed an owl face, but secretly, I loved the way Fell was watching me: there was expectation in his gaze, stirred with amusement.He believed I had something to show.His expression, coupled with my time at court, had made me a slightly better sport when it came to Norsern superstition.Slightly.When did I last feel powerful?
Hallbjern decimated four of Arik’s raiders as I wondered whether strength and power were the same things, whether playing music was powerful—as that was the first thing that had come to mind.Whether power would have legs if casting were real, and if power were a thing that actually moved between people, or if it would swim… Would it leap as fire leapt between logs?Of course, my mind wandered.How would Rowan fare when he learned of my condition?Would he feel more abandoned and alone?He might be angrier at the Norsern than he already was… it would be impossible for me to hide the change in my form for too much longer… I could see it myself…
“Fell!”Arik boomed.“To the floor.”
“There is a beautiful woman leaning on my shoulder.I cannot move without disturbing her.”Fell said, grinning.
He was speaking about me.Iwas the woman leaning on him.
