“That’s different!”
“How so?”
“We’re friends.”
“Right.”
“Okay, so maybe we’re more than friends? I don’t know? Well, I know howIfeel but it’s hard to figure out how three other people feel and if they feel the same way about everyone in the group. You know?”
I blink slowly. My steps stop when we make it to the art building. I wasn’t expecting Aspen to drop his feelings like that. I wanted to tease him and take the heat off myself but instead, I got actual vulnerability.
Fucking hell. How do I get myself into these situations?
“I can’t say I have much advice when it comes to love, Aspen. I’ve been burned pretty badly in the past so I stay away now. As far as I can tell, all those guys are really sweet and if you have feelings for them, it might be worth telling them that. Or you can just savor how good it is right now instead of overthinking it.”
Aspen looks up at me before his face breaks into a small smile. “Thank you, Shiloh. You’re probably right. I shouldn’t try toovercomplicate things. We’re still just getting to know each other and when the time is right, I’ll tell them how I feel.”
“Good for you, man,” I say and actually meaning it, patting him on the shoulder. Just because love isn’t in the cards for me doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it from the outside. “I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks. I should let you get going. Think about what I said about Suga though! I think you guys have something awesome together and I don’t think he’d burn you like you’ve been burned in the past,” he says before springing away and darting towards the gymnasium. I watch him go, my heart lodging itself into my throat.
I step into the building and make my way towards Michelle’s classroom. Aspen’s words play over and over in my head. Why the fuck did I have to run into him? Why does his optimistic outlook on life tug at my heart?
Could he be right? Could Suga, noKei, be different? Could I actually let him in?
Why did Kei have to ask me to use his first name?
Why did we have to start playing this game together? Every night, after stream, Kei asks me questions about myself. He’s learned how much I love home-cooked meals from my dads, specifically, their spinach omelet. He’s learned how much I like The Devastated. He’s learned that I do modeling gigs at the university. He’s learned that I hate people but am good at pretending to like them in certain social situations.
He’s learning about me and that makes me feelthings.
Why are all these feelings so complicated?
I just want them to go away. Life is easier when I can be apathetic. Feelings just make everything more convoluted. They make everything harder. I don’twantto feel anything but amusement when I think about Suga or Kei or anyone for that matter.
As best as I can, I shake off all my swirling thoughts as I step into the classroom.
“Shiloh,” Michelle says with a bright smile when she notices me. “Hi! Thanks again for agreeing to help out.”
“No problem. Same routine as last year?”
“Yep. You can use that little closet there to get changed and then we’ll have you sitting here on this couch.”
“Perfect,” I tell her, taking the robe off the hook and stepping into the closet to pull my clothes off except for my tight, black boxers. Then I walk back into the room, getting comfortable on the couch.
Michelle helps me with what poses she wants me in. Once in place, my only job is to hold still. I’m just there, a prop for the students to sketch. After about twenty minutes, Michelle has me move again, this time placing a hand behind my head, the other falling limply against the floor beside the couch. I stare up at the ceiling.
My brain is too full. There’s a buzzing behind my eyes. My heart is hammering against my ribcage, demanding to be set free.
Now that I’m thinking about Kei, it’s like the floodgates have opened wide. I can’t stop thinking about his voice. I can’t stop thinking about the soft, earnest way he asked me to call him Kei. I can’t stop thinking about the way he said he was curious about me and wanted to learn more.
Why?
Why does he even care? Does he ask all his mods questions about their lives or am I special? Do I even want to be special in his eyes?
The hour goes by at a snail’s pace. Michelle hands me a check after I’ve gotten my clothes back on, letting me know she’ll be calling me again in the future. I do my best to appear as mynormal self despite the way everything inside of me is screaming for me to run.
Have I been letting Kei ask me questions every night this week? Yeah. Have I answered them all honestly? Also yeah.
