That’s why I have guilt overnotfeeling guilty about falling in love with Niko, and having Rune here smelling like my future, isn’t helping. My instincts toward both of them are so strong, so hard to fight, and I hate myself for how natural and guilt free they are. Which turns into more self loathing because how dare I feel that way about anyone other than my pack. Ever.
I can’t fucking win.
And it’s all eating at me.
This is so fucking hard.
I have to get my act together.
I have to be strong and keep boundaries so I can honor the memory of my pack, so I can avenge them and the life we were robbed of. But if I do, I could lose everything I might be able to build now. Then again, I don’t deserve that, so why bother?
I swear to god I’m going to lose my mind over all of this. I just have to keep my sanity long enough to focus on the task at hand.
I’ll deal with the mess I’ve made along the way after I kill the fuckers who murdered Jay, Dante, and Emery.
“Liv.” My gaze shifts to the door over my shoulder as Niko knocks softly. “Kitten, we should get going.”
Tears immediately spring to my eyes as he hesitantly uses his pet name for me, a term of endearment that I love as much as I love him.
I hate that I’m hurting him, especially knowing what he went through with his alpha. And I really hate that I can’t seem to get my shit together enough to stop doing it.
“I’m ready,” I say as I open the door and force a smile. “Does this look okay?”
Niko’s eyes move over me from head to toe, taking in my black tank top, jean shorts with the flannel tied around my waist, and my combat boots before he drops his gaze and nods. “You look great.”
My heart pinches as he turns to walk away, his entire aura heavy with the hurt I’m causing.
I can’t do this.
I can’t do this to my sweet omega, and that’s why I let my instincts lead for a moment.
“Hey.” I reach out and stop him, grabbing his hand and forcing him to look at me as I pull him close. “Thank you.”
He nods again, giving me a weak smile as he reaches out and flips a piece of my hair over my shoulder.
“Niko.” His deep brown eyes find mine and my chest goes tight over the sadness I see staring back at me. Which is why I push up on my toes and cup his cheek then give him a small kiss. “I love you. I’m sorry I’ve been?—“
He shakes his head as he takes my face in his hands and presses his forehead to mine. “I just don’t want to lose you. This is a lot, it’s big, and there are a ton of feelings involved. I get all of that. As long as I know the feelings betweenuswon’t change, I can handle distance and anything else youdoput between us.”
“They won’t.” Which is true. I’m in love with this man and I know in my bones I always will be regardless of how hard I am currently and will continue to push. “I love you.”
“Then that’s all I need.” Niko presses a kiss to my lips then straightens up and gives me a more genuine smile. “I love you and as long as I know we’re going to come out of this together because of that, I can handle anything else that’s going to happen.”
I do not deserve him.
Him or Rune, who is patiently waiting outside the door of the camper as we walk out.
The enormous alpha whistles, the sound loud and clipped, and just as Niko and I clear the doorway, Cy, Bee and Rus come running through the woods toward the camper.
I watch Rune whisper to them before he locks them inside, and I can’t help but feel a little worried about them riding back there.
“Will they be okay like that?”
Rune pauses as he secures the door then nods. “They’ll probably nap.”
For some reason, that makes me smile.
Those three pooches have stolen my heart the same way their owner has and the idea of the three of them letting their guard down long enough to snooze is kind of cute.
