His expression didn’t change.
Lisa realised she was makingmatters worse. ‘I love you. I just need … to talk to you.’ She wiped her face and attempted to steady her breathing. ‘Is that all right?’
Nathan held her hands and pulled her to her feet. ‘Of course.’ He looked at the food on the cooker and the potatoes in the sink. He switched off the steamer. ‘Let’s leave this. You go into the lounge. I’ll put some clothes on and get us a drink.’ He ventureda smile that wasn’t reflected in his eyes. ‘It will be OK, whatever it is. It will be OK.’
Lisa wondered if he was trying to reassure her or himself. She pulled him into a hug. Wrapped in the security of his arms, feeling the cool smooth touch of his skin and taking in the fresh scent of Nathan Baker after a shower, she wanted to kiss him, to forget about the disaster that was dinner, andthe looming talk she knew they needed to have, but then what? Things needed to be said, and the time to do that was now.
As night had drawn in more fully, the candles cast shadows across the still features of his face. Without speaking, he leaned forward, rested his elbows on his thighs, and placed his chin on his clasped hands. His breathing was shallow. He had listened while Lisa spoke,not interrupting. Holding her hand and taking it all in. Lisa had seen the clench in his jaw and felt his grip tighten on her hand as she spoke about Ben. It wasn’t easy saying how they had met. Not when she had left Nathan after his proposal at their prom because she didn’t want to be in a relationship. She had wanted more, to see more and to do more – when she had met Ben travelling, carefree andembracing adventure, he had offered that.
When she told Nathan about the way Ben had treated her when they had returned to London, about his jealousy and how he hadn’t wanted their baby – the baby she eventually lost – she saw the colour drain from his cheeks. She had managed to speak quietly, calmly about it. She wanted Nathan to know, but she wanted to protect him from the depth of the sorrowshe had felt, too. Now she sat waiting, urging him to speak, missing the feel of his hand holding hers. She needed to know he still loved her, that everything would be all right, and that he didn’t think less of her for staying with Ben longer than she should have.
She heard the tick of the kitchen clock and tried not to count each second that drew out the silence between them. Maybe Nathanwould think she deserved the way Ben treated her. If she had stayed, not run away when they were teenagers, none of it would have happened. Why hadn’t she thought of that until now?
Nathan let out a breath before looking at her.
She couldn’t read his expression or the hard line of his normally soft lips.
‘I am so sorry, Lisa.’
Oh no!Her heart thudded hard against her chest.
‘I’m so sorry this has all happened to you. The baby.’ He shook his head and rubbed his hand through his hair. ‘You lost your baby and went through it all alone.’
Lisa sat, trying to interpret his words. She felt drained from sharing it all and scared of the consequences to their still-new relationship.
‘I wish …’ He stood and went to the window, staring out into the darkness.
She watchedhis reflection in the glass. When he turned, he offered a small smile. ‘I wish I had been there for you. I let you go. If I had followed when you left, things might have been different.’
Lisa stood and went to him. ‘But we’re together now.’ She tried not to reveal the question in her tone. ‘I just needed you to know, not about Ben really, but about Pip. I wanted you to know about Pip.’
Nathan pulled her towards him as he sat on the window seat.
She welcomed his arms around her, taking strength from them.
Nathan sighed and pressed his forehead against her. ‘I wanted to do all your firsts with you.’
Lisa ventured a smile, as she moved to look into his eyes. ‘You did lots of my firsts with me.’
Nathan grinned. ‘Yes, I did.’ He kissed her before pulling back and exhaling.‘Can I be honest with you?’
‘Of course. We need to be honest with each other. That’s why I wanted you to know.’ As she spoke she felt a tightening in her chest she tried to breathe away.
Nathan hesitated before speaking, ‘I am so bloody angry right now, I don’t really know what to do with myself.’
‘At me?’ Lisa’s eyes searched his.
‘At you? No! Of course not at you. I’d like tokill him for the way he’s treated you, and I don’t know what to do with that. I mean, if he’d treated you well, you wouldn’t have come back and you wouldn’t be here now. But the fact he was so … so …’
Lisa held Nathan’s face, imploring him to look into her eyes. ‘But I am here now, and that’s in the past. Not Pip, the love I have for Pip stays with me. But Ben, he doesn’t deserve our time.He doesn’t deserve our emotions.’
‘I know; I do get what you’re saying. And I want you to know I am sorry you lost your baby.’
Lisa felt tears sting her already red-rimmed eyes. She had waited too long to hear Ben say that about his own baby, yet here was Nathan saying it to her as if the words came naturally to him. A sob escaped her and Nathan pulled her closer to him. She began to kisshim. Small kisses at first, followed by deeper hungry salt-tasting kisses that mingled with her tears. She felt how much she loved him as much as she felt the need to have him – a longing to connect with him. She shifted, straddling him on the window seat, and he returned her kisses, meeting her need. With Lisa’s arms round his neck and her legs wrapped around him, Nathan stood and carried herto his bedroom.
