Not Jason.
For a moment, I think I might actually be okay. He’s gentle in a way that doesn’t match the exterior coldness. I focus on that. On the warmth of his palms. On the fact that this is Mike, and I love him, and two years ago, I would have been exactly where I wanted to be.
Maybe I could want this again.
I think that until he spreads me open.
The rush of cool air and the sudden exposure has me tensing up all over, my fingers curling into the sheets, while I hear him exhale behind me.
“Fuck,baby. Look at you.”
I don’t know why those words hit the way they do.
I’ve heard him say things like that before, and it’s always done something good to me. I can separate Jason’s cruel words from Mike’s gentle dominance. It’s not the same. But something about right now, about being on my hands and knees with my body shaking, exposed and cold and scared.
They hit something inside me that hasn’t begun to heal, and all I can think is—
Please don’t.
But it’s Mike. I can feel his weight on the bed, can smell his cologne. He knows what he’s doing. He won’t hurt me. I’m completely safe.
His thumb presses against my hole.
And I’m not in the bedroom anymore.
There’s brick against my cheek, and Jason is fucking me. I can’t breathe right because something is wrong with my ribs, and my hand hurts and— “No.” The word tears from my throat. “Stop.”
“Hey,” I can hear Mike’s voice, muffled from far away. “You’re okay, breathe.”
“Stop,” I say, but it doesn’t sound like my voice. I’m not in the room. I’m on the wall.Jason. “Stop, please!”
“Alex, I’m not doing anything, you’re okay.”
His hand is still on me. Moved up to my back, moving in circles, but I can’t get past it. He’s touching me, and I know, underneath the fog in my head threatening to pull me under, thatMike would never.
But my body doesn’t know that.
My body is eighteen, beaten and broken in the dark high school parking lot.
Everything happens so fast. I’m freaking out, and then I’m shoving him off of me with the full force of my strength.
Mike hits the floor with a thud, hitting the side table on the way down.
I scramble backward on the bed until my back hits the headboard, trying to go even further, anything to get away from him. I yank my comforter up, pulling it over me, wrapping it around myself up to my chin.
The gasps coming out of me are too fast, and the room won’t stay still. The lamp is too bright, and I can feel the cold of that night. I can feel the brick even though there’s no brick.
I can feeleverything.
“What the fuck?!” Some part of me knows it’s Mike’s voice, that I hurt him, and I should check on him, but I can’t get that part to respond right now.
“Get out,” I tell him over and over, squeezing my eyes shut, wrapping my arms around my legs to stop the shaking. “Get out. Get out. Get out.”
“Alex?” He questions, the anger draining from his voice. I hear him getting up, moving, and I press back further into the headboard.
“Don’t touch me.” I flinch away from the sound of him coming closer. “Don’t! I said stop!”
“Baby, I’m not touching you,” Mike says, but when I open my eyes, he’s in front of me, his hand reaching out, and he’s going to, I know it.
