He smiled sweetly and kissed my forehead. “Yeah, like me. And if Judd wasn’t one hundred per cent on board with the future you’d planned together, you can’t force it on someone. Ask me how I know?” His mouth quirked up in a wry smile. “It was his responsibility to tell you, not go fuck your best friend.”
He was right, of course, but it was still nice to hear the words. I lost myself in those beautiful blue eyes and tried to understand why Ryder seemed to care so much. It was no skin off his nose what I thought of myself, and his words shouldn’t have meant as much to me as they did for exactly the same reason.
But they did mean something. AndRydermeant something. And for the first time since my world had blown up, I didn’t feel as gut-wrenchingly lonely and pathetic as I had. And I wondered if maybe Ryder was right about something else. In just a few days, I’d done shit I would never have dreamed of. I had more in me than I’d given myself credit for. I might actually come out of this mess okay, after all. If that wasn’t a fucking miracle, then I didn’t know what was. Ryder had given that to me, and all I’d given him were a bunch of half-truths and selective omissions.
A surge of guilt knotted in my gut, twisting and churning with all the things I’d kept from him. Ryder didn’t know the real Thaddeus Grey. The man he’d woken from the slumber I’d been in my whole fucking life. Because if he had known the real me, he would surely never have invited me into his bed. But he had, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be the same.
But Ryder deserved better.
And the truth had to start somewhere.
“I wasn’t honest with you,” I blurted, making him blink. “Not completely. About my reasons for not wanting to go back to Wellington, I mean.” I was starting small because, yeah, I was too chickenshit about the big stuff.
Ryder’s brow furrowed. “Okay, I’m listening.”
I drew a deep breath and considered the best approach. “The truth is, I could go home tomorrow if I wanted.” I avoided his eyes and focused on tracing the crease of his lips with my fingertip. I should’ve known he wouldn’t let me get away with it.
He hooked a finger under my chin and forced me to look up. “Go on.”
I groaned and steeled myself. “The apartment I told you about, the one I shared with Judd, it’s actually mine. I own it.”
Ryder frowned. “You own it?”
I nodded. “The second I found out about Judd and Phillip, I gave Judd the day to get his shit out. The place is empty, soI have an apartment to return to. I’m not homeless or between flats, or whatever I let you think.” I watched Ryder closely, but whatever he was thinking, his expression was a closed book. There was nothing to do but keep going and pray. I chose my next words carefully, not prepared to give him everything yet. “I’m not concerned about getting another job either,” I admitted. “My skills are in high demand, and I have enough money in the bank to last awhile.”A long, long while.“All in all, I’m not in as much trouble as you believed when you offered me a place to stay. I’m sorry for letting you think I was.”
The furrows on Ryder’s forehead deepened, his expression one of confusion, maybe even disappointment, although I tried to ignore that part. I didn’t press. I knew this could be it. He could ask me to leave, and I had no one to blame but myself.
The silence lengthened, but Ryder’s gaze never left mine, like he was trying to read inside my head. My frayed nerves were close to snapping when he finally responded in a way I hadn’t expected.
He cradled my face and said, “I think I’d already guessed about the work thing. You’re clearly way too good at what you do to be scrambling for work. And we barely know each other, Thaddeus. I’m grateful for your honesty, but you’re entitled to your secrets.”
Oh boy. Secrets? The man had no idea.“But I wanted you to know. Tonight, you were upfront about being positive when you didn’t have to do that. You offered me a place to stay while I got my head together, assuming I was short of options and pressed for cash. The truth is, I’m neither.”
Ryder’s thumbs traced along my cheekbones and he smiled. “I offered you a place to stay because you were upset and hurting, Thaddeus. Money and apartments didn’t really come into it, but thank you for setting that straight. Besides, you’ve more than earned your way. You faced off a bulldozer, for fuck’ssake. And then you stymied a council threat. You got smacked in the face for your trouble and broke a crown. I’d say we’re more than even. And I’ll cover the cost of that dental work, by the way. It’s the least I can do.”
“No, you absolutely won’t.” I reached up to kiss him. “I was serious about sending the council my bill along with the video evidence. Let’s wait and see what they say.”
Ryder’s mouth quirked up and his lips found mine in a long, gentle kiss. Warm and tender, it went on for a lifetime or two and undid me in ways the bruising passion of the previous thirty minutes hadn’t even touched. It wasn’t tied to arousal or sex. It lacked need or reason. Ryder kissed me simply because he wanted to. Like he needed the connection. Like it fucking meant something. Likewefucking meant something, even though the very idea was outrageous. And when Ryder finally pulled away, I couldn’t get any words past the Everest-like lump in my throat.
Lucky for me, Ryder could. He tucked a lock of hair behind my ear and said, “I think you’re the most interesting man I’ve ever met, Thaddeus Grey.”
I blinked, searching for the tease, the sarcasm, the humour behind his words, but all I found were a pair of steady blue eyes fixed on mine. “Trust me, I’m really not,” I argued. “Admittedly, my random appearance in your shed the other morning might lead you to believe I live a daring life on the edge, but the truth is, my life is pretty damn boring. Ask Judd, or any of my other boyfriends, for that matter.” I blinked back another slew of tears, but not before Ryder saw them.
“This isme, Thaddeus. Ryder.” His blue eyes burned into mine. “The man whose boyfriend walked out of his life, leaving just a note. You don’t have to pretend you aren’t as hurt as you are. Not with me.” He snagged a brief kiss, frowning again at the split on my lip before looking back up. “You loved Judd—” He raised his hand when my mouth opened to argue with thepremise. “You loved him in whatever way made sense for you at the time. We feel love in many ways and to varying degrees, right?”
I treated him to an eye-roll of epic proportions. “Is that right? How very wise of you.”
He chuckled. “Hey, don’t blame me. My sisters offered that particular little gem when I wanted to abandon everything and follow James. They said I needed to be very sure that a man who’d left me the way James had was worth the sacrifice. That I loved him enough to walk away from what I’d built, and that he actually returned that love.”
I arched a brow. “And?”
Ryder’s cheeks pinked. “Yeah, it didn’t take much to figure out that I didn’t, and he clearly didn’t. But if you’d asked me six months earlier, I’d have sworn that we were it for each other.” He sighed and pulled me close, my cheek pressing against the soft hair on his chest, my heartbeat slowing to match the rhythm of his beating loudly in my ear.
“Someone you loved took your trust and betrayed it,” he whispered into my hair. “You’re allowed to fall apart. You’re allowed to shout and cry and run away to lick your wounds. If you hadn’t, I would never have met you, and we would never have had this afternoon. Which was pretty fucking awesome, by the way.”
I grinned against his chest. “Yeah, it was. I thought maybe it was just me who felt that way.”
He hesitated, then said, “No, it wasn’t just you. And I sure as hell don’t regret it, so don’t you dare, either. Sometimes running is all we can do at first. It’ll all be waiting for you when you’re ready to go back. Until then, apartment or no apartment, you’re welcome to stay as long as you need.”
