My mother’s mouth opened and closed several times before she finally gasped, “You’re selling the company? But why? You built it. You left university to set it up. I didn’t agree with it at the time, of course, but I have to admit it’s been very successful for you.” She wrung her hands as she spoke. “How can you walk away from that? Is it because of this man? Has he made you feel guilty about what you do? He’s not worth the ground you walk on if he’s done that.”
Oh, for fuck’s sake.“No, Mum. Ryder didn’t make me feel guilty.” I was fighting to hold my temper, and my mother’s eyes narrowed at my tone. I didn’t apologise. “Ryder didn’t make me feel or doanything. I learned it all on my own. In fact, I think I always knew it, I just wasn’t being honest with myself. I love coding, and I didn’t want to think too much about some of the contracts we took, because I was lying to myself that it didn’t matter. That if I didn’t do it, someone else would, so what did it matter?”
“But that’s true,” my mother insisted. “It’s the way of the world, and what’s wrong with that? It’s made you a lot of money.”
Here we go.“I never really cared about the money?—”
“Poppycock,” she mocked. “That’s what people say who have plenty of it. When your father and I came to New Zealand?—”
“You were poor, I know,” I finished for her. “I’ve heard the story a thousand times. You worked your butt off so that when I came along, I wouldn’t have to struggle like you did. So that I’d have more choices in life. I get that, Mum. But you need to understand that this is memakingthose choices that youworked so hard to give me. I’m not throwing them away. I’mmakingthem. And you have to trust that I know what I’m doing. That I believe in myself, something I’ve only just realised these last few weeks. And that I’ll be okay.”
She huffed dispiritedly. “Why? Because somemansays you’ll be? What can he really know about you after only three weeks? He’ll never understand you like I do.”
I took a deep breath and quashed the urge to simply start shouting. But it wasn’t easy. “No. Not because of what Ryder says, although he helped open my eyes. It’s because of everythingyoudid. I have the courage to do these things because ofyou. I might not have shown much bravery in the past, but that’s not because it wasn’t there. It’s because I was too focused on making you and everyone else happy, not me.”
“You left your studies and didn’t even tell me?—”
“Yes, I did,” I said evenly. “And do you have any idea how hard that was for me? I was terrified of letting you down. That’s why I couldn’t talk about it with you. And then you didn’t talk to me for six months. So that taught me, huh?” I let her sit with that truth for a moment.
To her credit, she blushed. “I was only thinking of you.”
I reached for her hand. “I know you were, Mum. And I’ll always be grateful for the opportunities you’ve given me, but you have to stop judging me based on your idea of success or what a good relationship is. I’m a big boy now. I can deal with my own successes and failures, including those around who I choose to date.”
Her jaw worked angrily, and I knew this would be hard for her to hear. I’d never spoken this way or revealed how I felt about the expectations I’d grown up with. This could make or break us, and the jury was still out.
Finally, she snapped. “You say that like you’re the same as everyone else. But I’m not stupid, Thaddeus. I read the papersand listen to the news. I know it’s hard for men... like you... out there.” She flicked her head toward the window as if a lonely file of gay men were currently passing along our road.
“Men like me?” I eyeballed her pointedly. “As in gay, Mum? Or did you mean physically weak? Or maybe you meant both.”
Her shoulders set. “You’re twisting my words. You know I’m right. It’s dangerous for someone like...” She trailed off as if suddenly realising she was about to make my point for me.
“Like me?” I finished for her, and her gaze flicked back, her eyes shiny. “Someone who’s both gay and physically small.” I blew out a long, disappointed sigh and unclenched my hands. “What I do know is that you mean well, and I love you for that. But I’m twenty-nine, Mum. And althoughyoumight not have faith in me, I can fight my own battles, thank you very much. Just last week, I went toe to toe with an angry truck driver.”
My mother blanched and her hand shot to her mouth. “Oh, my God, Thaddeus.”
“And I won, Mum. I won.”In a fashion. In the only way that really mattered. I’d found more courage than I ever thought I possessed that day, and that was the real win. But telling my mother those details could wait.
She blinked rapidly, clearly confused. “You—” Her mouth snapped shut, and she took a moment to think before sitting straighter in her chair. “I never said I didn’t have faith in you,” she backtracked. “I just... I worry about you, that’s all.”
“I know. That’s your job, right? But maybe you could keep those worries just a little less obvious. It’s really hard to believe in yourself when others, especially your own mother, clearly think you need someone else to look after you. I’m not proud of it and it’s my own damn fault, but dating Judd was, in part, an effort to please you because you liked him so much,” I confessed. “We were never right for each other, and I should’ve ended it along time ago. I want you to be proud of me, Mum, but I don’t want it at the cost of my happiness.”
“But Iamproud of you,” she insisted. “And okay, so maybe I wasn’t entirely right about Judd. I’m willing to admit that. And I’ll try not to interfere so much in whether or who you’re dating,” she offered, albeit begrudgingly. “But that doesn’t mean you have to sell your share in the company. It’s Phillip’s company as well. What does he think about you throwing everything away over Judd’s indiscretion?”
And there it was. The opening I couldn’t walk away from any longer.
“Judd’sindiscretion, as you put it, happenedwithPhillip,” I told her, slowly and deliberately so she couldn’t misinterpret my words. “Judd and Phillip had been having an affair for five months. I only found out through a text Phillip accidentally sent to me instead of Judd.”
My mother’s mouth dropped open, and for the first time, she looked genuinely shocked. “Phillip?” she gasped. “But... Phillip’s your best friend?” Her hand again went to her mouth. “No. I don’t believe it. He wouldn’t do that to you.” There was a plea in her voice that said everything about how devastated she felt. She wanted, needed, me to correct her so that her world could be safe again.
And all I did was shrug.
Her hands nervously worked the hem of her shirt. “Phillip. Are you sure, Thaddeus?”
“He admits it, Mum.” I stared at her until she sighed.
“Okay. Okay.” Her attention slid to the road beyond the window, and I knew she was thinking back on my father and all his infidelities. After a long moment, she turned back. “Why didn’t you tell me straight away?”
“Because I knew you’d be hurt.” I offered an olive branch, and then I eyeballed her. “I was also worried that if I told you,I might start feeling I was making too big a deal of it. That I should just forgive him and move on.” I watched her carefully, wondering if this was a step too far.
