He crossed his arms, still not facing her.‘I’m not a man of honour, Mairead.I know how to kill.I’ve killed many men—both Normans and Irishmen.And I’m very, very good at it.’
‘When?’she dared to ask.
He remained quiet for a time.The silence between them was as heavy as an accusation, and it left her confused, almost as if her heart were being pulled apart in different directions.
‘I was returning from my fostering, about a year ago,’ he said.‘There was a raid, north of Dunmalus.’
Her heart faltered before she realized it wasn’t the same raid that had claimed Diarmud’s life.But he could read the fear in her eyes.
‘I killed seven men that day,’ he said softly.‘And I have no regrets.’
The words were meant to make her think less of him.But she’d come to know him better than that.Balor would never stand aside and watch an innocent bystander be cut down, no matter the reason.
Mairead narrowed her gaze upon him and faced him down.‘Who were you protecting?’
The look of surprise on his face only confirmed her guess.His lips tightened as he stared back at her.
‘Was it a woman?’she ventured.
His fists tightened at his sides, but he gave a nod.‘And her son.’
‘You fought to defend them.’It wasn’t a question.
Balor glanced away, and she dared to ask, ‘Did you save them?’
He shook his head.‘Only the boy.I was too late to save her.’His voice was low and resonant, but the story came spilling out.‘She was caught in a fight between two clans, trying to escape after they killed her husband.’
His expression turned distant.‘They had already won the battle, but it wasn’t enough for them.’He flexed his fingers and said, ‘They wanted to kill his wife and child as well.’
With a dark expression, he added, ‘I killed every man who dared to raise a weapon against them.One survived and ran away while I took the boy back to his clan.’His mouth twisted.‘They blamed me for the deaths and gave me that name.’
‘The bards said you killed twenty men.’
He let out an exasperated sigh.‘They wanted a good story.’His gaze fixed upon her, his blue eyes heated.‘But the truth is, Iamguilty of those deaths.And I would do it again.’
Before she could say a word, he added, ‘There’s a reason why your family wants me to stay away from you.’
She lowered her head, the numbness creeping over her.This had nothing to do with his violent past and everything to do with his unwillingness to fight for her.Her words held heaviness as she answered, ‘Why are you telling me this, Balor?’
‘Because you need to know that you can’t love someone like me.You love the idea of me, but not who I really am.’His voice held frustration and a hint of anger.‘My own family loathes the sight of me, Mairead.My mother sent me away to England for seven years, and they didn’t want me to return.I know the sort of man I am.The sort of man I’ll always be.’
Her heart bled as she struggled to reconcile the broken pieces of this man.He was telling her this to justify reasons why they shouldn’t stay together.And she didn’t like it—not at all.
‘Enough,’ she commanded.‘I don’t want to hear any more.’She moved to face him and rested her hands on his heart.‘If you don’t want to be with me, then just say it.If you don’t love me in return, if you’re giving up on us, then—’
He dragged her into his arms and kissed her hard, his mouth claiming hers to stop the words.She kissed him back in a silent challenge, daring him to voice how he truly felt.
‘I’ve always wanted the things I can’t have,’ he said against her mouth.Then he slid his tongue inside, reminding her of the intimacy they’d shared.
Balor Ó Phelan was a man of action, not words.She’d witnessed that for herself, time and again.And as he continued to kiss her, pulling her body against his, she understood that he hadn’t voiced his feelings to her because they made him vulnerable.For someone who believed no one had ever loved him, he seemed starved for it.
‘Are you angry with me?’she demanded.
‘No.’He drew his hands through her hair, cupping her face.‘I’m angry with myself because I can’t give you the life you need.Not even a home.’He brushed her lips with his thumb.‘And I’m jealous of the man you once loved.I wanted to be your first,’ he murmured.‘And maybe your last.’
The admission softened her own frustration, and she touched Balor’s cheek.There weren’t any answers for how to resolve this.
‘I can’t go back and change the past,’ she said softly.Then she regarded him with her own silent anger.‘Neither can you.’Her own tears broke free, sliding down her cheeks.‘We’ve both made mistakes that we can’t undo.’
