“Can we play for a few minutes before you have to go,” I asked her. Not telling.
She looked at Amara and then at me and then she sat down on a nearby bench and took her sunglasses off and rubbed her eyes.
I took that as a yes.
—
I took Amara to the swings.
She wanted to go high and I pushed her as high up as I could without going too too high. I was scared for her to get hurt and I wasn’t going to let that happen on my watch. Still, she screamed with that kid joy that was so loud and so pure it almost didn’t sound real.
She wanted higher. I pushed her just a little higher. She laughed every single time she came back down and her little legs were kicking. Minnie Mouse was somehow still in her hands barely hanging on, even on the swings.
I pulled out my phone and took pictures without thinking about it. Just snapping them because I needed those memories. Her laughing. Her mid swing with her puffs flying back. Her looking at the camera for just a second while she laughed.
I sent them to my moms before I could talk myself out of it.
Then I put my phone back in my pocket and pushed the swing. I watched this little girl who I had a strong feeling was mine. I watched her exist in the world and felt something settle in me that had never been settled before.
Fifteen minutes later I told Amara it was time for me to go. She pouted for about four seconds and then held up the Minnie Mouse and told me she was going to take good care of her. I told her I knew she would. She hugged me one more time and I held on a second longer than I needed to and then I let her go back to Sandra.
I looked at Sandra one last time.
“I’ll be in touch,” I said. “I meant what I said. I’m not trying to ruin anything. I just need to know the truth and I hope you understand that.”
She looked at me for a moment and I saw something in her eyes that was too complicated to put a name on. Then she nodded and took Amara’s hand and walked back toward her car.
I walked to mine.
Got in.
Sat there.
My phone started ringing before I even started the engine. It was my momma calling. I let it ring out because I couldn’t talk yet. I needed a minute to just sit with what had just happened and let it be what it was before I had to explain it to anybody.
I started the car.
Called her back when I hit the highway.
She picked up immediately.
“Deon.” Her voice had that thing in it.
“That is your daughter! You weren’t just hypothetically asking.”
“Mama—”
“I know my blood. I told you. Bring her to me, I need to see her in person. Oh my God, is this really happening?” She squealed into the phone and I could hear the excitement in her voice.
“It’s complicated. I can’t right now.” I switched lanes. “I need you to promise me you won’t say anything to Simone. Not yet.”
Silence.
“Ma?”
“I hear you. I won’t say nothing. But Deon—”
“I know. I’m coming over later. I promise.”
