My stomach drops when I realize what might be going through his mind, so I immediately try to save face. “I am so sorry—I just realized how selfish I sound concerned about our fake relationship when you literally just quit your job for something that’s my fault. I’m sure that our stupid fake relationship is the last thing on your mind. We don’t have to talk about it now if you don’t want to.”
“Oh, yeah. No, you’re fine, Ellie. You don’t need to be sorry, and it’s definitely not your fault.” He takes a pause but gets back to his train of thought. His expression is unreadable, and I don’t even recognize his tone. “I hadn’t even thought about that. Um, I guess we should fake break up since the whole reason we were together was because of Greg, right? Since there’s no more Greg, it makes the most sense that there would be no more fake relationship—”
My heart sinks.
Over the past two months, I have felt in sync with Patrick, and what he is saying now doesn’t feel like him. It is matter of fact, calculated, void of emotion.
Then it hits me. This is all it’s ever been for him. A transaction to make our lives easier because of my impulsive actions.
I cut him off before he can say anymore, not wanting to hear what else he has to say. “Uh, yeah, of course. That makes sense.”
I’m a fucking idiot for thinking that Patrick wanted anything more than this. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to get out of this fucking car.
My eyes start to well up, and I do my best to stop the feeling, blinking rapidly to prevent the tears from falling. Luckily for me, Patrick is too focused on the road to notice.
It was dumb to let him drive me home because now I feel like an idiot and a jerk. He has been so nice to me, and all I’ve done is basically ruin his life. I was the one who complicated things. I am the reason that he had to file an HR report against Rebecca. I am the reason he quit his job. His job that he loves so fucking much. His job that he started fresh out of college. His only job he’s had as an adult.
My voice is quiet when I ask, “What are you going to do now?”
“I don’t know. I have some money in savings, so I should be fine for a while.” He shrugs his shoulders, not taking his eyes off the road.
“W-what are you going to tell everyone? About our relationship?” The words shake despite my best efforts.
“Don’t worry about that. I’ll make up something and say that we split amicably. If you want to keep being friends with Wes and Natalie, I would be okay with that. I’m pretty sure they like you more than they like me, andI—”
He stops mid-sentence and goes silent. I look over to him and his eyes are vacant. “Patrick? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
“I just realized that they aren't my coworkers anymore." As if he is trying to remove the thought, he shakes his head, and I might actually vomit. "Fuck, that’s weird.”
“I’m so sorry, Patrick. This is all of my fault.”
Patrick reaches over to wipe the tears from my face that I hadn’t even realized were falling. “El, please don’t say that. I am not going to let you blame yourself for this. Greg is an asshole, and I was the one who quit. I made the decision, so if anyone is to blame, it’s me.”
The car comes to a halt as Patrick pulls in front of my building, and I debate saying anything more. I don’t want to seem desperate or emotional, but I need to know if this is it for us.
Already hesitating on speaking these words for the last five minutes, I decide that there might not be another chance to ask. They come out quickly before I have a chance to take them back. “What about us? Are we still friends?”
I start to feel pathetic until Patrick pulls me across the center console into a hug, and more tears start to fall down my cheeks.
“Of course, El. We will always be friends.”
Enveloped in his arms, I don’t want him to let go. He hugs me tight to his chest, and I forget for a moment that the façade is over.
Is it pathetic to ask him to kiss me one last time?
I decide against it. If I asked him to do that, I'd just be making myself more of a fool than I already thought that I was.
It should be easy to let this go and revert back to my life before Patrick, but everything feels wrong.
I should be happy and enjoying what is left of my summer, but I just can’t get myself to do anything other than work, sleep, and read. It’s only been a few days, but it feels like there’s nothing to look forward to anymore. I keep offering to stay late at work since there’s nothing for me to do at home other than wallow in my own self-pity, and while it’s been nice to spend some extra time with Lily since our shifts have been overlapping, it didn’t take her long to figure out something was off.
When I told her I wasn’t interested in talking about it, she was very respectful of that, but leaving her in the dark felt wrong. Or maybe I just felt the need to share it with someone. It hurt to tell her that Patrick and I broke up, and the tears in my eyes really sold the pain of a real break-up. Isn’t that stupid?
When I say it out loud, it sounds so ridiculous to be upset about a relationship that wasn’t even real, but I miss Patrick. Like genuinely, truly miss him. I didn’t realize how much I was depending on him until he was gone. Although, he’s not really gone. He is only a twenty minute drive away.
I’ve thought about texting him and trying to see him, but I'm worried it would be too much. After our last conversation, I don’t know if it would be awkward or not. So, I guess we’ll just keep giving each other space until it doesn’t feel weird anymore.
I really hope that’s soon.
