Everyday when I get home from work, Nick bugs me to go out and do things, but all I want to do is curl up in bed and finish whichever romance book I decided to read that day—at least they get a happy ending.
The only good that has come out of this is that I’ve been reading for pleasure again. After every semester, I have a tendency to hit a reading slump since reading is the last thing I want to do after consuming and over-analyzing countless texts for multiple months in a row. Apparently, all I needed to do to get over it was get my heart broken. Being able to escape into a book and ignore my own reality has been the only thing keeping my mind off of Patrick.
So, I have made a little dent in my 'to be read' pile that sits in the corner of my room—another positive outcome of this fake break up—but Nick decided that that isn’t productive enough for him.
He claims that I’m entering into my hermit stage of life, and it’s getting annoying. While he hasn’t been too overbearing about all of this, I just want him to leave me alone.
Thinking back, it probably could’ve been worse.
I never actually told Nick about my plans to tell Patrick that I wanted more. I’m sure I would’ve never heard the end of it, or, even worse, he would force me to attempt a big romantic gesture. He was so confident that Patrick and I would end up together, and that was without my confession.
Instead of blaming myself like I usually do, I have decided to blame everything on Greg, and it has definitely been the most productive part of my healing journey.
Chapter 40
Patrick
ThreeweekswithoutseeingEllie feels like forever.
It’s my own fault. I got too comfortable being with her, and I was naive. Our conversation on the car ride back to her apartment lives constantly in the front of my mind.
Part of me wishes that I didn’t suggest calling it off, but what was I supposed to do? Tell her that I wanted to keep our fake relationship going for no reason?
The whole basis of our ruse was to trick Greg into thinking that we were a couple, so I wouldn’t seem like a liar and Ellie had an excuse to keep him away from her. If she didn’t ask, I could’ve blamed blissful ignorance and kept seeing her, but she did.
Of course she did.
So much of our lives have been disrupted by this charade, I’m not surprised she needed an answer. Her day was already an emotional rollercoaster, and she needed some stability. I can’t blame her for that.
If I wasn’t so distracted from quitting my job, I would’ve told her that I love spending time with her, that she makes me happy, that I haven’t felt this way about someone in a long time,but I couldn’t think straight. Even if I could have told her how I really feel, it wouldn’t have ended well.
The sound of her voice keeps playing on repeat in my head. She didn’t even wait one minute before agreeing to calling off the fake relationship. She was so set in her answer, I barely got the words out. Thinking about it now, it was probably for the best, but it still fucking hurts.
Giving her so much space hasn’t been on purpose, but now that I am not going to work everyday, I don’t see her in the morning. Whether it’s my shitty homemade coffee or not seeing Ellie, the world just seems duller. I just want to sink into my bed and forget it all, but everything reminds me of her. Now that I’ve seen her beautiful curves wrapped in my sheets, laying here feels empty without her. I can’t spend too long in my kitchen without thinking about her sitting on my counter with her legs spread.
It’s not just the sex either; I flat out miss everything about her.
When I close my eyes, I see her smile. When I’m trying to sleep at night, I hear her voice. During quiet moments, my mind wanders to how her nose scrunches up when she laughs and how making her laugh made me feel good. No matter what I do, my mind goes to her.
I’ve picked up my phone at least a half-dozen times, but everything I write feels wrong.
I expected Wes and Natalie to overreact and get mad at me when I told them we broke up, but they were more confused than anything else. The mediocre excuse I made up was that we had a deep conversation in the car ride back to her house.We talked about what we wanted and what was important to us, and they just weren’t the same things. I told them that we decided it would be easier to split up now than stay and get more attached.
Somehow, they believed it.
Natalie has been making a habit out of visiting Ellie at The Brew every morning and sends me updates about her. I didn’t ask her to do that, but she always has a sixth sense about what people need. When I found out that Ellie’s manager agreed to ban Greg from their store, I was grateful. Apparently, with Ellie’s permission, Natalie told Ellie’s manager what happened in the office, and he finally confronted Greg, telling him that if he comes back again, they will call the police.
While that only solves part of the issue, it's a start.
Sitting alone in my house, I have had nothing but free time, and I refuse to waste it. There is a way to fix all of this, but I’m not sure if it will all work out. Even if everything goes perfectly, nothing can be set in motion for at least another week, so deciding I need a back-up to my back-up plan, I get to work. If we have to live in a world where the ‘Gregs’ are constantly getting away with awful shit like this, the only thing to do is to prepare for the worst.
As of right now, I still don't have a job, and despite all of the applications I have been sending out, it doesn't stop the job market from being over-saturated. There is always an influx of applicants in June when people graduate from college, and it’s August now, essentially the worst time of the year to quit.
If all else fails, my back-up to the back-up, back-up plan is moving back to Raleigh and staying with my parents until I canfigure out a more concrete arrangement, but I hope it doesn’t come to that. My parents miss me, and while it would be nice to see them for longer than a week, I just hate the idea of leaving everything I’ve built. My work had been my life for so long, but I’d also be leaving the friends that I love and the house that I’ve called home for almost five years.
Everything that I care about is up here, but I can only last so long with my savings.
Wes is not taking the break up as graciously as Natalie, and apparently, his main coping mechanism is resorting back to his old games.
