Even so, she felt not only her heart break in two, but her spirit as well. She was relieved that he was gone, that Mr. Porter would no longer disturb her peace, but she did not know if she would survive the loss.
She spent hours reliving all their interactions. Sometimes, she felt a smile grace her lips, and sometimes she felt utterly embarrassed at the memories. Underlying it all was a vast ocean of sorrow that threatened to drown her.
The memories that stood out the most, that she replayed the most often, were the ones where Mr. Porter had spoken of honesty and how much he valued people being honest in their behaviors.
Mary was not honest. She never had been despite the fact that she had never actually uttered a lie. The only times she wastruly honest were when she was within the woods or playing the piano by herself.
She also thought about her own behavior and how she had come to the point where she had been willing to surrender her virtue to a man she knew very little about other than that she found him incredibly attractive.
She realized that, in her efforts to give herself the attention others neglected to give her, she had become quite a selfish and spoiled creature, even downright lazy. Every little whim of hers, whether it be a pretty ribbon, a new novel, a secret hobby, or a new gown, she had granted herself, denying herself nothing it was in her power to obtain. Every moment of every day was spent doing exactly what she wished with no regard to self-improvement or discipline.
In doing so, she had gained more comfort and happiness, but she had lost the discipline she once had. Without that discipline, she no longer had the strength to resist temptation when it was offered. So, she had been led step by step into a very dangerous situation.
And it had been dangerous, indeed. She knew that if she had stayed much longer with Mr. Porter in those woods yesterday or if she had agreed to continue meeting him, she would have eventually surrendered all she had to give that he wanted.
Mary spent the rest of the day thinking about her life, the mistakes she had made and the joys she had experienced. She also experienced bouts of intense mourning, crying hot tears until her eyes were so puffy she could not see, as it was brought home to her that Mr. Porter truly was lost to her forever. He was gone, and she was certain he would not be coming back.
She couldn’t help but wonder why he had run away from her. A part of her wished it was because he realized he had hurther, but that did not soothe her pain much. If he had known how she felt about him, how he had encouraged her to feel about him, he should have proposed to her, not run away.
She could only conclude that he must not have loved her enough for that.
The conclusion did not sting too badly. She had never believed she was worthy of being loved, so it was not as much of a shock as it might have been to other young ladies. In truth, she was more grateful to him than anything, for he had shown her in every way possible that she could be just as attractive as any other lady.
By the time Sarah came in, eight hours later, to do Mary’s hair and help her change for dinner, Mary had come to two conclusions.
First, she would resume her studies, though she would do it on her own terms, focusing on those subjects she enjoyed and found most worthwhile. She would definitely not be resuming her study of philosophy or religion.
Second, she would somehow find the courage to be more honest with herself and others. She would resume playing piano for others but only if they wished her to and only if she allowed herself to be more expressive. Simply being more expressive in general would go a long way toward the kind of honesty she aspired to.
As soon as breakfast was over the following morning, Mary sought out her father in his bookroom.
“Papa,” she said, “if you don’t mind, I would like to borrow a few of your history books. I find I have a desire to refresh my memory on a few subjects.”
His raised eyebrows told her everything she expected to hear. He was surprised, of course, that she would suddenly pickup her studies, when she had read nothing but novels and a few botany books for the last two years. He also seemed a bit pleased, but Mary tried not to read too far into that part of his expression. Her father’s approval meant little to her since it was so seldom expressed.
“Of course,” he replied. “Take what you wish. Just make certain to return them in the same condition you found them.”
“Thank you, Papa,” she said. “I do have another request.”
“Oh?”
“I would like your permission to take up the hobby of archery.”
Chapter 13
January 10, 1817
Mary watched with a pleased smile on her face as her good friend, Mary King, exchanged wedding vows with Jacob Lucas.
Jacob had suddenly begun to look for a wife a few months ago when Sir William began a serious decline in his health. Both Mary and Miss King had learned of his search from their friend Maria Goulding, nee Maria Lucas.
The members of The Mary Circle had spent hours speculating on who he would eventually choose. Maria and Mary both tried to encourage Miss King to not be too nervous about it, though it was a difficult task. Miss King’s admiration for and attraction to Jacob had only grown in intensity over the last two years.
Mary never told her friends, or anyone for that matter, that she had been the recipient of Jacob’s first proposal. She turned him down, of course. Though she had learned to forgive him for his past neglect and derision, she could not be attracted to him, and she was certain he held no real affection for her. As she turned him down, she suggested he take a closer look at Miss King.
Apparently, he had followed her advice, and when he did, he found someone who was a much better match for him.
Their season of courtship had clearly caused Jacob to realize how much of worth was to be found in a cheerful smile and kind manner. As he stood across from Miss King, he was clearly happy to have found a wife who would make his home an absolute pleasure for all his days.
