Chapter Nine
Bella sat on her bed that night staring at the blank page and wondering what to write. She started with the date, hoping the rest would flow easily. As her mind began to drift back to everything Stella said that afternoon, her pen started to shoot across the page as she poured out her heart.
I don’t want to be selfish anymore. I don’t want to live a life that profits no one but myself.A little voice in her head told her that wasn’t fair, that her hard work helped her clients realize their dreams, but it still seemed superficial when she considered the people who were working at the hospice, helping those patients find peace in their last days.
I want my life to count for something.She bit on the end of her pen, wondering what that even meant. Her life already counted for something… didn’t it? She designed homes that would hopefully still be around long after she was gone.
Where were these feelings coming from? It must have been brought on by her talk with Stella, a woman at the end of her life, reflecting on the choices she’d made.
Thinking of Stella made her wonder how many lives that sweet old woman had touched. Students who would always think of her fondly, perhaps tell their spouses and children about their favorite teacher and how she’d inspired them.
Bella jumped when her phone rang. She’d been so lost in her thoughts she’d forgot about the outside world for a while. That never happened to her.
She smiled involuntarily when she saw Loran’s number. After theirchatthat morning she wasn’t sure she’d be hearing from him again so soon.
“Hey you, what’s up?”
“Hey yourself. What are you up to?”
Bella laughed. “You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
“Oh yeah? Try me.”
“Some other time.” She wasn’t quite ready to share her new hobby with anyone just yet. Especially since her journal entries sounded more like the musings of a crazy person than the cathartic release she suspected they were supposed to be. “What are you doing?”
“Just driving around. Thinking.”
He sounded as lost as she felt and she wondered if maybe they could help each other. She’d never looked to another person for solace before, but maybe it was time she started.
“How far are you from my place?”
“Not far.” He paused. “You want me to stop by?”
She was about to tell him it was up to him, but bit her tongue instead. If she wanted her life to count for something she had to form deeper connections with people outside of her family and closest friends. She had to put herself out there. Especially with Loran.
“I’d love that.”
She could almost hear the smile in his voice when he said, “Great. Have you eaten? I could grab a pizza.”
“Sounds perfect. See you in a bit.”
***
Bella closed her journal and stashed it in her nightstand when she heard Loran locking his vehicle. Her very first journal entry had been interesting, to say the least. She continued pondering the questions she’d asked herself and found that although she didn’t have the answers yet, she felt confident they were imminent. It’s like they were locked inside of her, but she had to find a way to release them.
She ran to the door to greet him, throwing herself into his arms without thinking about the consequences. Thankfully he had quick reflexes or their dinner would have landed on her plush white carpet.
“What’s that for?” he asked, smiling down at her, one arm around her waist while the other balanced the large flat box.
“Because I missed you,” she said, honestly. For the first time she wasn’t trying to censor her thoughts and she wondered if baring her soul in her new journal had prompted that. “And I felt bad about the way we left things this morning.”
“I did too,” he admitted, linking hands with her while she led him into the family room. “That’s why I was driving around thinking. I had lunch with your brother today and it made me… reflect, I guess you could say.”
Bella laughed as she took the box from Loran and set it down on the coffee table. “Who knew my brother was so deep?”
“He knows both of us well,” he said, looking serious. “It was good to get his perspective on things.”
She sat down on the sofa and tugged on his hand until he was sitting next to her. “I want to hear what my brother had to say, if you want to share, but I had an experience that…” She couldn’t think of the right word. Yes, she could. Her talk with Stella, her journaling, it changed her. She didn’t know transformation could happen in an instant, but it felt like it had.
