“That what?” he asked, looking concerned as she curled his hand around hers. “Are you okay? Did something happen to upset you, babe?”
“It didn’t upset me. It just made me question a lot of things.”
“Like us?”
She hated that she’d made him feel so guarded. He was worried about getting hurt, rightly so, because she’d been too afraid to let him in.
“Like the fact I’ve been keeping you at arm’s length. And why.” She knew she had to spill her guts or risk losing him. “I had a talk with Stella and it really helped me put things in perspective.”
He nodded. “Talking to Stella can do that. Part of the reason I keep going back, I think. I get more out of our visits than she does.”
“She’s got it all figured out, doesn’t she?” Bella wished she could say the same. “Life. What it takes to be happy.”
He chuckled. “She’s a hell of a lot more enlightened than I am, that’s for sure. But she’s helped me a lot. I’m closer to figuring things out than I was before I met her.”
“Is she the reason you didn’t give up on me?” Bella had a feeling the old Loran wouldn’t have wasted so much time pursuing a woman who kept shutting him down.
“Part of it.” He opened the pizza box but didn’t take a slice. Instead he took Bella’s hand and kissed it, holding her knuckles against his lips. “I wanted a love like the one she described when she talked about her late husband. And I thought I could have had that with you. More so than anyone else I’d ever met. I knew when you left I lost someone special. Stella told me when it happens, when you meet the right one, you just know. With you, I knew.”
Bella knew too. So why wasn’t she willing to jump in with both feet? She was still scared, even though she knew how Loran felt about her.
“Am I freaking you out?” he asked, giving her a sidelong glance. “Going too fast? Too much, too soon, and all that?”
“No.” She shook her head slowly, choosing her words carefully. “I want you to feel comfortable telling me anything.”
“Same goes.”
“Stella gave me a gift.” Something told her it might be the most important gift she’d ever been given. A gift that would help her understand herself in a more profound way. “A journal.”
“I didn’t know you kept a journal.”
“I don’t.” She cleared her throat. “I mean, I never have before. But hearing Stella talk about it made me want to try.”
“Oh yeah? You think you have time for that?”
“I’ll make time. In fact, I already have.” She bit her lip. “I started writing in it just before you got here. And the things that poured out were… unexpected.” She never expected to share her entries with anyone, but with Loran she felt comfortable enough to try.
“What kind of things?” he asked, looking curious.
“I guess the jest of it is I’m looking for more meaning in my life.”
He nodded. “I get that. That’s why I started doing volunteer work. I’ve been so blessed. I needed to find a way to give back.” He smirked. “Or it wouldn’t feel right, ya know?”
“I can’t believe I’ve never considered it before.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before wiping her sweaty palms on her white yoga pants. “What’s wrong with me? Can I really be that selfish?”
“Hey, don’t beat yourself up. You forget I grew up with a mom who was a social worker. We always heard her talking about the less fortunate and giving back. Taking us to a soup kitchen at Christmas, that was a just a ritual in our family.”
“I love that.” She smiled gently, wishing she’d known the boy he’d been. The one with little more than hopes and dreams of a better life, who cared enough to invest some of himself in people who were less fortunate. “When I have kids, I want to have traditions like that, so they know what it’s like to fall on hard times.”
“When you have kids?” His eyes traced her face before he said, “Last time we talked you weren’t so sure you wanted that.”
“I never said I didn’t.” She’d been too scared to commit either way and she knew that wasn’t fair to him. If they were going to have a relationship he had a right to know whether they were on the same page regarding their future.
He released a slow breath, turning her hand over in his. “Why don’t you tell me what you do want, Bella. And please, don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. I want the truth.”
“You won’t have to worry about that.” Looking him in the eye, she said, “I promise to always be honest with you. As long as you can promise the same?”
“Of course.” He sounded affronted. It hadn’t been her intent to offend him, but she needed to set that ground rule before they took it any further.
