“Uh, yeah.We talked about it.”
My blood was boiling as I sat on the edge of the bed, holding my head.“You talked about marrying him?Are you serious?”
“Babe, it’s not a big deal.It was just?—”
“It is a big deal!”I jumped up, pacing, at the foot of the bed.“You almost married this guy!”
“No, I didn’t.I had a feeling he was going to propose, so I broke it off before he could.Brandon was a good guy.Just not the one for me.”
I didn’t know why, but I could barely breathe.This was crazy.“What about that guy in college?Were you two serious?”
“Um, yeah.We dated for three and a half years.Why?”
It shouldn’t matter, I told myself.This was her past.I was her present.But could I be her future?“Did you talk marriage with him too?”
“Taz—”
“Answer me!”I was losing my shit again, only this time I couldn’t get all of the rage out of my system with sex.
“Sure, when you’re with someone for that long, you talk about the future.It’s inevitable.But we were young.I was twenty-four when we broke up, so it’s not like?—”
“You really want this, don’t you?This marriage thing?You’ve talked about it with two other guys before you even met me.”And that killed me.I’d never even considered marrying another woman.I’d never been in love before I met Grace.And she’d been having all these experiences… while I was locked up.
“I don’t know why you’re getting so worked up about this.It was a long time ago.”
“You just broke up with this Brandon asshole, how long ago?”
“I don’t know.A few months, I guess.”
“A few months,” I repeated, trying like hell to rein in my crazy.“So, twelve weeks before you met me, you were sleeping with him?Talking about marrying him!How the hell can you tell me you love me?You’re probably not even over him!”
“Are you out of your mind?I was never in love with him!We talked about marriage in general terms, and I broke up with him because I knew I didn’t want to marry him!”She drew a deep breath, her voice softening, when she said, “Now, why don’t you tell me what’s really going on with you?Why are you so upset about this?”
I’d been asking myself that same question for the past two hours.“I’m jealous.And scared.”
She sighed.“It always comes back to that, doesn’t it?Talk to me, Taz.”
Damn it, I didn’t want her to feel like my therapist.Someone who always had to talk me off the ledge, but if I couldn’t work through some of this shit on my own, she would feel that way.And inevitably get tired of trying to fix me.
“Forget it, it doesn’t matter.I’m being stupid.”
“Don’t do that,” she said, softly.“Don’t shut down on me.I love you.If you’re upset about something, I want to hear about it.Just like I hope you’ll be willing to listen when I’m upset.That’s what couples do, right?Support each other?”
She had me there.And I did want to be her rock, so I had to let her be mine.
“Fine.”I bit my lip, trying to choose my words carefully.“I’m jealous because two other guys have loved you enough to want to marry you, which means they saw in you all the same amazing qualities that I do.”
“Okay, so…?”
“So, what if I can’t get there fast enough?And you get tired of waiting, and you find another guy who can give you everything I can’t?”
“Taz, relax.I’m still young, and I have a lot of living left to do.I’m in no hurry to get married and have your babies.”
Why the hell did that feel like a gut punch that knocked the wind out of me?I’d been the one telling her I didn’t know when or if I’d ever be ready for that next step, but hearing her admit she wasn’t ready, knocked me on my ass.
“When you say you have a lot of living left to do… does that mean you have a lot of guys to date before you’ll be ready to settle down with just one for the rest of your life?”I wasn’t being an asshole, I really needed to know if she could even see me being her forever.
“Oh my God, I don’t know.I feel like we went from zero to a hundred in ten seconds with this relationship.My head is spinning already.And now you’re throwing more at me.I can’t take it, okay?It’s enough already.”
