I take my flashlight out into the woods, the beam of light falling on the tell-tale dead tree that always tells me I'm in the right place.Right where lightning struck.
I turn off my flashlight and stand there in the dark for a moment, listening.It's so quiet, but then not quiet at all.The bugs. The whistle of the wind.The quiet rustle of leaves.And even though I feel kind of silly doing it,I tilt my head back and look up at the sky.
My stomach clenches the way it does every time I look up.It's hard to look at the color of it, no matter what time of day it is, and not see him. That robin's egg blue when there's not a cloud in sight, that orange-pink, first thing in the morning, the hazy purple at sunset.
And now, just like it is: a vast ocean of midnight blue, the stars twinkling between the limbs of the trees.
I don't know how long I stand there, staring, until I realize that my face has gone a little icy.The tears that have been tracking down my cheeks have frozen on them, and my nose has gone numb.
Finally, I do what I came here to do.
“Starlight,” I say,and a fresh wave of tears, these warm, slips down into my ears, “I don't know if you can hear me…”
I let my head drop, catch my breath, and then, without looking back up, say,“Come back.Please, come back. I need you.”
Everything is quiet again, just the tremble of my own breath.
I don't know what it was like when he fell from the sky the first time.I never asked.Did it hurt?Did he actually fall or just appear,the same way that he went back?
I stand for a long time, until I hear the howl of a coyote off in the distance.I switch back on my flashlight, and I go back home.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
“Iwas thinking Elle’s for dinner. Have any thoughts on that?Hello? Mason?”
Fuck.
Mackenzie's voice pulls me out of what I'm doing. “Can you not multitask while you're on a video call with me, please?” she asks.
“Sorry.” I slam my work laptop closed and move my cell phone a little closer to me. “Things have been crazy at work.”
“Yeah, I know,” she says, her voice gentle. She's not mad that I've been kind of out of it. She gets it.
“Anyway, yeah, I think I'm free if you want to go to Elle’s.”
A line appears between her eyebrows. “What? I don't want to have dinner with you, you knucklehead.I'm asking if you think it's a good choice for me and Marty. You know he doesn't eat dairy.”
I sigh. “Right, Marty. I’m sure Elle’s is a great choice for someone who doesn't eat dairy.”
She glares at me. “You could try to sound a little more supportive.”
“I don't know if Iamsupportive.”
“Why? Marty is nice and he did you a huge favor when he totally didn't have to and when you werekind of a jerk to him.”
“I wasn't a jerk.” I sit back in my seat at my kitchen table. I always sit on this side of the table now, facing the window. It's become a bit of a habit.I used to sit in the other chair, but now I always sit in Star's seat.
I still think of it as Star's seat,even though he only sat in it once.
“You're right,” I tell Mackenzie. “I should be nicer. I think I'mjust feeling protective.”
“I know,” she says. “That's why I haven't kicked you in the balls for it yet.”
I laugh.On the screen, she's going through her closet. “Oh, so you're allowed to multitask?”
She holds up a pair of jeans and looks at me over her shoulder. “Yeah, because I'm notreading emails from my boss. I can look through my clothes without it taking my entire brain capacity. Even though I know youthink my brain capacity is smaller than yours.”
“I’ve never said that.”
