She drew a deep breath. “My father would occasionally make me sleep in the loft above the horses just to get some peace and quiet. The usual remedies—beatings, taking my toys, sending me to bed without supper, and locking me away in a room to calm down—were ineffective.”
Darcy stared at her in wonder. “I had no idea.”
Elizabeth stared at the ground. “It gets worse. You see… you see—”
A tear escaped her eye; he wanted with all his heart to brush it away but refrained.
“There was… and likely still is… somethingnot quite rightin my head. If I could not move, I grew nervous and fidgety—far more than usual. Walking, running, climbing, and swinging were not mere diversions… they were essential. Sometimes Iwould wind the rope on our swing as tight as I could and spend hours spinning one way and the other. It… it calmed me sometimes when nothing else would.”
“Calmedwhat?”
“Sometimes my head felt like a crowded ballroom, with dozens of people shouting for attention. I could scarce hear myself think amongst all the noise, and I would lash out just to silence them for a while. I know it sounds mad, which is why I would never tell someone I could not trust, but… well… there it is.”
“Your trust in me is not misplaced.”
“I know that.”
“So, what happened?”
She sighed in remembrance. “I was 13 years 8 months 4 days old when I had a screaming fit with Charlotte Lucas, Sir William’s eldest daughter.”
“I remember her. We spoke at Lucas Lodge. A very sensible woman.”
“She is 7 years my senior, but thought of me as a project. She almost gave me up for lost that day, but she allowed me to calm myself for a while.”
“How long did that take?”
“2 days.”
He chuckled. “And?”
“She asked if I wanted to die alone and friendless, or learn to be a lady—or at least act like one on occasion.”
“And?”
“I thought for 2 more days and sheepishly asked for help.”
“What did she do?”
Elizabeth stared at the ground for a few moments and finally replied resignedly.
“She had no idea, so we just started trying different things. Mary took up the pianoforte, and we learned that music helped calm me, until even remembering it helped. Charlotte lectured me on deportment, and did what she calleddrills. She knew from bitter experience how to make me angry—not difficult at the time—so she would either wait until I reached the state naturally or goad me into it. Then she made me calm myself barely enough to recite the rules of decorum. She would ask random questions or make me recite them backwards. I did not have toactdecorously, but I had to prove that I at least knew what the rules were, and still knew them under duress.”
Darcy frowned ferociously. “That sounds… mediaeval.”
“Harsh, but somewhat effective. For 2 years, Charlotte and Mary worked with me. Jane tried, but… it required a level ofruthlessnessshe lacks. She has backbone, but I saw little evidence of it until after Netherfield.”
Darcy winced.
“Be easy. We are beyond that. Jane is happy. Things are as they should be.”
Sadness crossed his face. “Some things are.”
“Would you like to know whatfinallydid the trick? Turned me into your favourite social mirror?”
“I am dying to know.”
For the first time, true wonder lit her face, and for perhaps the hundredth time, he wondered what depths she might have that he might very well never see because of his own stupidity.
