“Okay. Good luck out there—” Jacob says, his voice breaking before he ends the call abruptly.
I never wanted to hurt him. I just . . . I was just beingme. But I’ve changed, haven’t I? Maybe I do feel something for Jacob other than lust. But I really wish that wasn’t the case; life is much easier without feelings. It was so simple when I just knew I couldn’t care about anyone besides Killien.
“Aren’t you going to call him back?” Killien asks, his voice almost shy.
“What? No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I huff out a nervous laugh.
My brother seems to think about it for a while, biting his lower lip while he chooses his words. “Jacob is a good man, Damien. He cares about you—”
Oh, fuck this.
“I meant what I said, you know?” I snap. Killien’s knuckles go white as he squeezes the wheel. “Jacob might be good and all, but I’m not backing up. Not now when you’re finally—” My voice falters while I hesitate, unsure of what I should say.
After a short silence, Killien speaks softly. “So, this has been a thing for a long time?” he asks, looking at me so briefly I almost wonder if he really did.
That question hurts. Like, seriously. Was he really completely oblivious to my feelings all this time? My eyes sting as they fill up with tears. I’m suddenly scared that he will want to take it all back.
“I want to know, Damien . . .” This time he does look at me for a bit longer. His expression softens the second a tear slides down my cheek. “Tell me, please.”
“Isn’t it fucking obvious?” My voice shakes, and I’m unable to stop the tears from rolling out. “You’ve always been the only one for me, Killi. No one else matters. Not even Jacob.”
Killien’s lips curl into an unusual smile. His mouth twitches as he tries to fight it, but fails terribly. “You don’t think—?” My brother stumbles on his own words before continuing. “Don’t you think it’s wrong?”
Of course he’d ask that . . .
“Maybe I no longer give a fuck.” I shrug. “It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s not like we’re related by blood. And, honestly, I wouldn’t care if we were either.”
For some reason, my answer makes his smile widen. And he’s not fighting it back this time. I stare at him as I wipe away the tears from my face. If only I could get into his head and know what he’s thinking. But it seems like our mind-reading abilities only work with humans. Fuck that, seriously.
“And you’d trade what you have with Jacob for . . .” His fingers tap nervously on the steering wheel. “Me?”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Killien—” I shouldn’t be lashing out, but I am. And I won’t apologize. “Do you need me to draw a fucking diagram? I’d tradeanythingfor you.”
The sight of him biting his lower lip while he smiles makes my heart skip a beat. If he keeps doing that, I’ll start sucking his dick right now and keep going until he decides to park, or crashes the damn car into something.
“Can you just find a place to stop, for fuck’s sake?” I ask, feeling my patience slip away through my fingers.
“What?” His smile fades as he turns to face me. “Why? You need something?”
“Yeah, I do actually.”
“What’s wrong?”
I sigh. “Just take the next exit. Let’s go stargazing in the middle of nowhere.”
“Okay . . .” Killien seems confused, as if he hasn’t figured it out yet.
As annoying as it can be, his innocence only makes me fall more deeply for him. I can’t get enough of it. His good-boy demeanor, his genuine kindness. There’s a certain duality to him that drives me absolutely feral. The prim and proper older brother vs. the beast who beat up those who dared to bully me. The living good example vs. the reckless, messy killer he can be. It just gets to me, somehow. I love that he can do both.
Unlike me. I’m all bad.
Or maybe, whatever little good lives inside me belongs with him. He’s the only light to my darkness.
Twenty-Eight
Killien
While we cruise through the Arizona desert in silence, I can’t help but let my mind wander. I’m supposed to take the next exit and find somewhere desolate for us to park. I’d rather we just keep going until we make it to Vegas, though. Damien said he wants to stargaze, and I know he has other intentions, but I won’t say.
