She looks away for a moment, reaching for her tea.
It’s my turn to say my piece. Better to rip the bandage off right away. There’s no point stalling.
Before I can, Yosh chimes in. “Should I leave you two alone? I can go for a walk by the lake.”
“No!” we say at the same time, our eyes meeting right after. Effy giggles. As awkward as that was, it breaks the ice.
Yosh smiles, dropping back onto the couch. His eyes find mine. That means I should start.
“Effy, I want to apologize for, you know, disappearing. I was a mess back then, and I made all the wrong choices.”
She looks me over, sapphire blue eyes staring right back at me.
“That’s a statement. An understatement.”
“You're right. I messed up by leaving you with Jay. It was the best thing I thought I could do at the time. You deserved a father like Jay, not me. I… I couldn’t do it.”
Effy looks at the ceiling, the bookcase, the kitchen island, anywhere but me. For a moment, it seems like she’s about to say something, but she stops and holds it in.
“I know my apologies don’t change the past, but I want you to know I’m sorry. Not just for what I did, but for everything I never did. For not being there when you needed me most.”
She shrugs, still not looking at me. “You were so young. I get that having a child at your age was a mistake.”
“It wasn’t like that. Absolutely not! You were everything to me. You and Chris…you were my whole world.”
My eyes fill with tears I can no longer hold back. It feels like someone is driving a knife through my chest, slowly turning it.
All these years she thought I didn’t want her, that she was a mistake. That realization chokes me more than anything ever could. Never. Never have I ever thought of her like that. Not even because…That, she can never know.
I always assumed that when this day came, she’d show her anger and scream that a real father would never abandon his child. And honestly? That would’ve been easier and less painful. But instead, she thinks she was a mistake. That breaks me more than all those years of regret and self-hate ever did.
Yosh rises from the couch, grabbing a couple of napkins from the kitchen island.
First he hands one to Effy, then to me. Then he sets the rest on the table and takes one himself. There's a tear rolling over his cheek as well.
“Tom, it’s okay. Really. I’ve spent so many years stuck in the how and why, but now I see that all of that was pointless. Dad and Janice gave me everything. Cheryl and Uncle Eli too. They raised me like their own. I was never alone; Joan, Finn, Luca and Alex were always there for me. That’s what we do in the pack.”
She looks at Yosh now, giving him a nod, then turns back to me.
“I just wish things had been different. That my mom hadn’t been a complete lunatic, and that I’d had you in my life.”
My hands hide my face, my elbows resting on my knees. Tears flow like rivers down my cheeks, finding their way past the barrier of my hands.
Every tear feels selfish and so incredibly wrong.
A warm hand lands on my back, and it isn’t Yosh as I expected.
Oh god, it’s Effy. She came to sit next to me and has her arm around me now. How can she, after everything I’ve done to her, put aside her own pain to comfort me? No. It simply isn’t possible.
Slowly, my lashes lift. Her eyes are red and glassy. In her gaze, I find no blame. No hatred. Only something I barely deserve: understanding, and I don’t stop myself from pulling her into my arms.
I hold her just as I held her for the first time, that warm day in May when she was born, the day I thought I would give her the world. But now, as I hold her, I feel all the guilt of everything I’ve taken from her. And yet she’s strong enough to hold me. It breaks me in a way words can’t describe.
God, I promise myself, I 'll do whatever it takes to make things right with her.
An hour and two cups of tea later, we head back to the North House. Effy walks between us. I gave her my jacket to keep her warm during the hike.
I have to admit I’m relieved, but also exhausted. That conversation was emotional. It hurt, but it needed to happen. Because of it, we’re finally moving in the right direction.
