Tom
When I was a kid, Jay used to call me King Arthur and say Avalon was waiting for me one day. I thought he was talking shit, trying to paint the world brighter than the depressing reality we lived in. Even at that age, I understood our place in the lower class of society. I told my brother to fuck off. That paradise wasn’t real, and it sure as hell wasn’t meant for me.
But after dying and somehow coming back, I can’t help but think he was right and I just never understood.
Avalon isn’t just a bedtime story anymore. It’s turned out to be my second chance. Waking up on a beach with the rhythm of the waves and two beating hearts. Having someone look at you like you’re the most precious gemstone on earth.
That’s my favorite version of Avalon, but it is more than that.
Avalon is a feeling. It is hope. A safe place to let the wounds bleed, to let them heal in their own time.
And I have to admit, there were moments when I’d thought Yosh loving me was all I needed. But love isn’t the magical cure.
It doesn’t erase the past. It doesn’t undo the damage.
It doesn’t take away the pain.
What love does is sit beside you in the dark.
Love waits and listens.
Love offers you his heartbeat while you chase demons off the beach at midnight.
Love gives you a safeword when the family gets too crazy.
Love stands beside you when you reconcile with your daughter.
Love holds you with the warmth of his body at your son’s grave.
Love gives you a home when you’ve got nowhere to go.
Love does all of that.
But I failed Love. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to.
And I knew Love understood, even if he shut me out at first.
I thought it was because he was done with me and the mess of my life, but I didn’t see he was struggling too.
It wasn’t until we started talking again that I realized it was never about blame, or who of us screwed up more.
It’s life, the wounds of our past and complicated circumstances.
But the thing about circumstances? Sometimes they change. Or you find a way to change them yourself.
So here I am, back at Arcadia with a fucking heavy bouquet of 90 red roses in one arm, a guava in the other, and my heart stupidly hopeful in the middle.
Avalon has been waiting for me and I’m here to claim it.
Nostalgia crashes into me like a wave as I walk into the meditation garden.
My heart pounds like thunder the second I spot him leading his yoga class. They’re all in some weird-ass position on their stomachs, looking like a bunch of seals sunbathing on a rock.
I want him exactly like that, on his stomach, moaning my name while I fuck him into the mattress. And after that… Well, he’s welcome to make a seal out of me.
Yosh moves into the next pose, but his class doesn’t follow his movements. They’re all staring at me instead.
Fuck.
