“That’s our K8. She always feels everything so deeply. It’s touching.” K8 is grateful that Lessa seems to take her outburst as a positive sign. At least this is one time having FRIENDS that lack emotional intelligence is a benefit.
Slowly, her tears dry up. Her breathing evens out, yet her mind continues to spin. The odds of getting selected are staggeringly low. And if they selected Lessa, what are the odds of someone in the same FRIENDS group getting selected too? They must be even less likely now.
But she has James now. Wasn’t that the goal? Well, she doesn’t actually have him either. Maybe one day. K8 clenches her jaw. Her teeth grind together as she wills herself to calm down. Maybe James isn’t the only awful person sitting at the table. Maybe they’re suited after all.
Jett is saying, “You’ll make an excellent parent, Les. What a lucky baby!”
“I know, right?! I feel so lucky,” Lessa says. “I’ve already picked a suitable contact-free donor. His IQ rated off the charts. He’s got the most shocking natural yellow eyes. And the good news is he wants nothing to do with me or the baby!”
It’s as if Lessa has unwittingly plunged the knife into K8’s chest and twisted. The sensation steals her breath. “Breathe,” James whispers as he strokes her hair. She does as he says and slowly, her panic eases.
Resolved to be a better friend in this special moment, she pushes at James’s chest so he’ll release her. She can wallow about it later. Finally, she faces Lessa, plastering an unshakable smile on her face. “That’s so great. I can’t believe it. I’m so, so very happy for you.”
Lessa beams, placing their hands over their heart. “I can see that. It means so much to me.”
K8 only feels a little guilty as she nods. Then she has a thought that might be all the consolation she gets. She sucks in a sharp breath and exclaims, “Does this mean I’m going to be an auntie?!”
Once she and James are safely back in her unit, she asks, “How did you like the REAL Steak?”
“It was fine.” He follows her as she quickly makes her way to her bedroom. As if he can sense her feeble control over her emotions, he catches up to her, taking hold of her elbow before she can secure her retreat. A cheery yellow light undulates in the room, and all she wants to do is escape to the darkness beneath her blankets. Or change it to a moonless night scene that is as black as her mood. She tugs at her elbow, trying to get him to release her, but he holds firm. “K8, sweetheart, what’s wrong?”
“What about the enviro-greens? Did you like them?” she asks, though she senses he’ll keep pressing until she gives him some sort of explanation for her odd behavior. Crying in public? A fate worse than age spots! Yet, what would she do if she looked in the mirror one morning and noticed a dark brown blob on her flawless cheek? She shivers. Perhaps her public display of misery wasn’t so bad.
“They were fine. K8, what happened at the restaurant?” James guides her into the room, gesturing for her to sit on the foot of herbed. He sits beside her, and she can feel the weight of his attention as she stares resolutely at the blank wall in front of her. “You’re upset. Talk to me.”
“How do you know I’m upset?” she asks, even as tears well in her eyes.
His fingertips slowly guide her chin so she is facing him. He’s so gentle it surprises her. She only saw this side of him the day he confessed that he was afraid he’d accidentally “real flirt” with her, a fear he’s apparently recovered from—confusing man. “Do you think I haven’t been paying attention? I see you trying to keep a brave face even though you feel you’re missing out on something. But, K8, at the restaurant, I saw your brave face slip, and holding you was all I could think to do.”
K8 shakes her head as he releases her. For such a selfish man, how is he so perceptive? Probably a business technique from his time, though she can’t picture the man before her hugging it out with the competition. “I don’t know. It was so shocking. Since every NHOS citizen is in the lottery, the odds of getting selected are slim. Many people never get a chance to have a child. And . . .” She considers how much of a confession is necessary. Considers what he’ll think of her. How what she really feels about Lessa’s boon might change James’s opinion of her. Then she almost laughs. This is James. If anyone will understand her selfish motivations, it will be him. “I felt jealous.”
His eyes widen, but she can’t see any judgment in them, so she goes on. “Lessa never mentioned wanting to give birth or have a child. That was always my wish.”
James’s eyes are wider now. “You want a baby?”
K8 can’t suppress an eye roll. “No, not a baby, exactly. I only thought . . .”
Zorg, if she tells him why, he’ll think she’s even more pathetic than he did before.
“You thought what?” he urges.
She releases a forceful breath. Oh, who cares? It’s not like it matters. Not like there’s anything between them to preserve. “I thought if I were to win the lotto, then I could select a partner to procreate with. Some people choose to select from the DNA database and get inseminated, like Lessa. But candidates can also select from a catalogue of applicants who also wish to procreate and be a part of the child’s life.”
James nods, seeming to understand where this is leading, but he doesn’t speak. He’s giving her space to work out her thoughts, which is nice, she supposes. That and the gentle circles he’s rubbing on her arm lessen the sting of how vulnerable she feels.
“I thought if I could interview candidates, I might be able to select someone who might be open to a relationship. That through having a child together, a bond might form. Lessa knew how much I’d hoped to get selected. They never once mentioned they did, too. Zephyr, now that I’ve said that aloud, it sounds awful, doesn’t it? It seems I’m just as selfish as you.”
He chuckles, and she wonders if he’ll call her a hypocrite or refrain like Jett. Considering she went back on her personal vow and ordered a manupartner, she’s earned the insult.
K8 stares down at her hands, feeling even guiltier after her confession. James will see her as an entitled brat now. Not the usually mature scientist she is most of the time. Sharing such an ugly, vulnerable feeling makes her twitchy. Will he judge her? He’s going to judge her. A manupartner wouldn’t judge her . . .
To her relief, he says, “K8, you are one of the least selfish people I’ve ever met. You’re kind and considerate. You even tried to hide your own pain so Lessa would have a good time. They are the one who acted selfishly, blurting out their news, not even thinking of how it might affect you.”
That makes her feel a little less guilty. Makes her lean a little closer.
“There’s one thing I don’t understand,” he says, and she nods, urging him to continue. “Most people now are happy with the companionship provided by a manupartner. From my vantage point, I can see why one would think they’re repulsive, but why do you?”
She turns away, thinking of her parents. If she were to share this deep vulnerability, maybe they—no. She only told Jett during one of their arguments to justify her position, and Jett probably didn’t think of it again until the next time they got into a manupartner conversation. If she told James, he would think her even more pathetic. Assessment made: not worth the risk. “Like you said, I’m just the odd man out.”
